


The Figures of Figuring Out

by Vofastudum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Mental Link, Mild Smut, Not Epilogue Compliant, POV First Person, Room of Requirement, Secret Relationship, Wandless Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vofastudum/pseuds/Vofastudum
Summary: You were the biggest riddle in my life. You were the one I couldn't figure out.You were the only thing I couldn't find a pattern to. You were something I couldn't look up from any book. Unwritten…with no instructions And the story of us...comes with no manual... no expectations... all I have to give...is just me... and all i need you to give...is just you...





	1. Unwritten

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters and the world etc. belong to J. K. Rowling. I'm just the puppet master of this story!

 

You were the biggest riddle in my life.

You were the one I couldn't figure out.

You were the only thing I couldn't find a pattern to.

You were something I couldn't look up from any book.

Unwritten…with no instructions.

And I…I was lost.

Because I'm used to be able to find logic in things, however illogical…

Maybe that's why I hated you so much… Ever since the first time we met.

"A toad? Maybe it's hiding in your hair?" You said mockingly, and my mind was immediately whisked back to the days when I didn't fit in.

I'd ask you: do you know the feeling of being alone in a room full of people?

But I won't…Because I know you do…

That is one of the rare things I can figure out about you: The look in your stormy eyes when you feel insecure or frightened…or lost.

The whole of our sixth year, I watched you with that look. And I knew, you'd know exactly what it felt like; to scream in a hall full of people and to be heard by no one.

You always thought two people couldn't be more different…you and I…And I wanted to think that too. You were the last person I wanted to be compared to…

But when I think about it now. We aren't that different...

When I returned to school for my eight-year to finish my education I never thought you'd come, too… And I never saw you more lost, than I did now.

And never was I more determined to know, what was it in you, that I couldn't solve?

I didn't tell anyone about my obsession to read your mind. I played with the others, but I watched you.

And I noticed you watched me, too…

It became our secret…the glances we exchanged… and as days went by I realized you were not as unreadable as I had made myself believe.

How is it, that you can hate someone for years, but when you start to study the person like really look, willing to understand, you realize how very wrong you were?

Because what I saw, was a man…a boy…who hid himself from the world so well, the outside seemed like a hard rock wall.

But the flash in your eyes every now and then…The way you stared ahead of you at the breakfast table…The way you looked at the first year who had started to talk to you…told me a different story.

Sometimes we passed each other in the corridor…once, you opened your mouth, like you wanted to say something, but changed your mind before the words came out.

And I stayed silent, too.

Because what would you say to someone, you hated but realized it was for all the wrong reasons?

Because first I would have to admit to myself that I was as prejudiced, as condemnatory and as unwilling to understand, as you were.

Because yes, you were bigoted, and yes, you were vile and cruel, and yes, you were full of yourself…and finally, yes, you used to be a death eater… But you were also misled...

And I thought about us…the light…and all the things we did or would have done, to keep our families safe…

I sent mine away...but you never had that choice...

We were forced to make decisions, bigger than ourselves, way too young…

Who the hell makes three seventeen years old's, to hunt Horcruxes around the country with no proper leads?

Who the hell demands a sixteen-year-old to murder a wizard so strong only few could even dream of beating him?

Who the hell uses children as play pieces on their chessboard?

I thought the magic world was beautiful…but I had found out, it was also so very twisted.

It might have gotten a little out of hand…me, examining you. Because I started to make notes... And where I thought was no pattern, I found multiple…

I found out you were terrified of making a mistake, disappointing people who mattered to you… And when I realized that, I remembered all the potions classes you picked on us, and how it took all the eyes away from your work.

"My father will hear about this." Rang in my head, when I thought about how you wanted your father to know it wasn't your fault you screw up…

By Halloween, I thought war might have messed with my head…because where I should have studied, I found myself thinking about you, analyzing you, like I suddenly knew you any better, than before.

_Dear Hermione,_

_How is old hoggywarty Hogwarts?_

_It's dead boring here! We are supposed to catch dark wizards, but instead, we're learning the basic theory of dark curses. Harry lets me copy his notes luckily!_

_I would rather be on the field already! We fought the war, for god's sakes, We should be ready for this! Harry tells me to shut up…He thinks we need to pay attention extra hard because we missed our seventh year. Day after day I think he is starting to sound more like you. Are you sure you didn't tell him to say those things to me?_

_Anyway, our living quarters is spectacular! And the food is very good._

_Hope to see you soon,_

_Love Ron._

Ron…

If you were an enigma, he was a norm. I had learned his patterns and ways a long time ago. He was safe and simple and predictable. And for a glorious few months, I thought that was what I wanted…That after everything we had been through, I wanted the safety he had to provide.

But…there is a but where it shouldn't be.

I don't know what it is in him, that doesn't just feel right. I wanted to love him for so many years. And when I finally got to, it felt like…like I had dreamed about it a long time ago, but when the dream became reality it lacked all the magic my dream had had. Like I forgot all the things I loved and started to realize stronger and stronger the things that made us so different.

Like that, I loved to study…to solve problems and to figure things out, where he couldn't care less…

Like that, I wanted to hang out with friends, when he wanted to stay in and have a good meal…that I had cooked…

Like that, I wanted to build a life and educate myself first, when he wanted a big family and children as soon as possible.

And I never forgave him that he left us… That winter in the forest, yes…But so many times before that also. I loved him, and he mocked me… You mocked me too, but I was never your friend… He…He was supposed to be one of my best… I never let you treat me poorly, I always stood up for myself… But Ron, Ron had always been free to say whatever popped to his head, I became angry, but I forgave him…time, after time, after time…until I couldn't anymore.

I told him I'm returning here. That we should take a break. But I'm not sure he completely understood, what I really meant. And now he writes me…and he is still my friend, so I answer.

.

.

.

Her name is Astoria Greengrass.

Everything about her screams pureblood royalty! She is fair and proud and collected. Holds her head high and posture straight. Her hair is ebony and silky, her teeth white and her skin flawless. She's the perfect match, your parents have picked to continue your family lineage.

And I hate her.

The way she pads her eyelashes at you… The way she calls your name…The way she touches you as if you're her property.

You hide it well…how you dislike her touch. I bet she doesn't notice the way you wrinkle your nose when she calls you 'Drake' or 'Dear' with her high voice. But you won't show it to her... you do your duty and she must think you're the ideal husband for her.

Pansy doesn't hate her, which surprised me first…but the more I learned, the more I knew we were so wrong, thinking you and Pansy had a thing.

Funny, how watching you, teaches me a lot of things about other Slytherins too. Pansy belongs to Theodore Nott. And they…they're not fake like you and Astoria are…they're real. The way he looks at her, makes me almost wish someone would someday see me in the same light he seems to see her. And she smiles to him like I've never seen her smile before...not even to you.

When Astoria speaks, you look at the walls, the table, the paintings…anything but her. I'd almost feel bad for her if she wasn't so…simple…so unilateral…

Once, in the great hall. She is talking to you when you catch me looking and you actually roll your eyes to me. I nearly choke on my pumpkin juice and Ginny has to ask if there was something wrong with me.

.

.

.

I have dreams about you.

Your silver eyes invading my mind…And the more I learn about you, the more intense the dreams become.

And the more dreams I have, the harder it is to concentrate on anything anymore. Like my head's just full of you.

And we still haven't exchanged a word, since the start of the year.

I never had a thing for bad boys…

But I do have a thing for unsolved mysteries…

.

.

.

Of course, it couldn't go on forever.

On December you corner me in an empty potions classroom.

I had spent the class listening to her telling you, how she was so looking forward to coming to your home for Christmas dinner with her parents.

I had told Ginny to go ahead and left to collect my things, not noticing you haven't left.

Suddenly you are standing behind me, your breath on my neck.

"Why do you keep spying on me, Granger?" Your whisper sends shivers down my spine and I whip around, just to find you standing only inches away.

I'm not scared of you... And I know you have been watching me, just as much as I, you.

"I could ask you the same question."

I boldly look at the everlasting storm in your eyes.

I already know you're beautiful…cruelly gorgeous…

My gaze travels your lips and I catch myself wondering how it would feel to kiss them...

I must be some-kind-of a masochist… Pick a guy…any guy, to be the subject of your teenage dreams and late-night fantasies…and I go ahead and pick you.

Are you a muggle-born witch? Do you want to get your ego, your self-esteem, and your reputation stomped and thrown into a trash bin? Pick Draco Malfoy! The boy who tormented you and your friends for years!

Maybe it was all the years I had to fight for my life, that screwed my head somehow...

You are still there… Haven't moved a bit…maybe you have no idea of the thoughts running through my head.

"Granger…" There's a warning in the way you say my name.

But I don't care.

I match you stare, "Malfoy…"

"I'm not someone you can save." You whisper almost angrily.

"I'm not planning to save you"

"Then what are you doing?"

"What are you?"

I know you feel the pull between us…I can see it in the way, you hold your breath every now and then.

I know, because it's exactly what I want to do, too, to keep the scent of you, from clouding my thoughts.

You and I …we've never been neutral… there has always been something between us. Most of the time we masked it as mutual hate…but these past two months I realize it might have been something else altogether.

Because what I suspected earlier, I now know for sure: I smell you in my Amortentia potion... ever since the first time...it has always smelled of you.

I really tried to lie to everyone… but mostly to myself, that it was Ron I smell…But I knew then, and I know now…it never was.

"They're suspicious..." You're still whispering.

"Of what?" I decide to play dumb.

"Blaise noticed you looking… he has started to ask questions. It's only a matter of time, the others will too"

"Then tell them the truth? There is nothing."

I want to challenge you, to prove to you: I'm not yours to play around.

You're staring at me, and I notice there is more than anger in your eyes…

"But it's a lie."

You close the distance between us and I don't have to wonder anymore.

Because your kiss is everything I anticipated.

It's heated and hard and…lustful.

Before I can be held responsible for my actions, my hands are grasping the front of your shirt to pull you closer.

Your hands tangle in my hair.

It's all heat, everywhere.

You're certain and demanding and strong…if you have any doubt of what you're doing, you hide it well…

I need you closer...

I've always been a good girl… I've thought lust comes from love… That you'll want someone because you love them…That you want to give yourself to someone because of all the good things they make you feel.

But oh, how very wrong I have been.

This has nothing to do with love or even infatuation...

This is hate turned into lust.

This is all the things you are and I'm not…

This is my body acting completely on its own… rationality has nothing to do with this.

My heart is racing, and my insides are throbbing.

In my mind, I've already undressed you and you're already in between my legs.

Your lips leave mine and travel to my neck and it takes a while for me to notice the moan I hear, comes from me.

And that sound seems to snap you back to reality. Because you let go of me and back away, leaving me standing there cold and unsatisfied.

We stare at each other. Your lips are red from all the kissing and your hair is tousled. And if you looked desirable before, it was nothing compared to how you look now.

And I want you back on me so much, I think my head is going to explode.

But the moment is lost. You turn and leave without another word, and I'm left there wondering what the hell just happened?


	2. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: I actually wrote smut! So sexual content!
> 
> Hopefully it came out ok! Here we go:

I'm not even trying to not to look at you.

I did consider your words about the others noticing... But that's not going to stop me.

Because if I wanted to solve the riddle, that is you, before, it was nothing compared to my determination to do so now.

Ever since our encounter in the potions classroom, Astoria has been all over you. It's like she is sensing there is something wrong.

But I see, the more she fusses over you, the more it annoys you. I can see it in the way you frown when she doesn't look.

You won't meet my gaze. I can feel your eyes on me, but I never catch you.

But I know you're still looking…

"Why is Malfoy staring at you?" Ginny asks one day, at the dinner.

I play dumb, "Huh?"

"He's looking at you like expecting to see something." Ginny sounds suspicious.

"No, he's not, and you're starting to sound like Harry," I answer calmly.

"How is that?"

"He always thought Malfoy was up to something."

"And he was right…" Ginny mutters

"Well, if you keep guessing the same thing over, and over again, the odds are you might get it right once…"

She giggles, and I know she won't think about it anymore.

I love her for that…Her straightforwardness and the way she doesn't ask too many questions. Ginny trusts my words…something Harry and Ron barely ever really do.

.

.

.

You are still in my dreams and they get more intense every night.

I never thought my mind was so dirty before I started to have these dreams…I'm not even sure where all the ideas come from?

Seems like my subconscious knows a lot of porn movies to pour inspiration from… and I swear I've never watched porn…

Okay, maybe once... when I showed Ginny all the things you can find from the internet… But we didn't mean to watch that... It was an accident… It's not my fault Hotmail and hotmale are spelled so alike… can you imagine…never mind!

The point is; I wake up in the morning and feel like I haven't rested at all. There's a constant yearning inside of me, that I can't satisfy on my own.

Trust me, I've tried…

But after all the things your hands...and other parts... do to me in my sleep, my own fingers just don't seem to be enough…

.

.

.

The Christmas holiday is only a few days away and there is a light snow on the ground.

We are returning to the castle from the herbology class when I notice I left my book in the greenhouses.

I run back through the snowy yard.

The greenhouse is empty and dark as I slip in to look for my book.

It's not where I thought I left it and I need to take my jacket off, because it's so hot in here.

I've always liked the way the greenhouse is like a little tropic in the middle of winter. You can come here, stand in the middle of greenery and imagine you're somewhere far away... The way the moist heat sinks into the clothes and make the skin sweaty takes me to the rainforests in Amazon. I close my eyes.

"What are you doing Granger?"

Your voice snaps me right back and I wonder if this is one of my dreams again?

But no…this is real and you're really there. Why? I don't even begin to try and figure out...

"Why do you keep asking questions that I can throw straight back at you?" I tell you with a hint of amusement.

"Why do you find the need to?" You raise your eyebrows.

"Maybe I like to tease you…" am I flirting with you? Sometimes I surprise even myself…

"Well, that I know you do." You smirk.

The expression is so you, it makes me laugh.

I laugh and before I notice, we are standing nose to nose again.

"What is it in you, Granger?" Your eyes are dark and unreadable.

"You need to be a little specific if you want an answer..." My heart is hammering, but I try to keep my tone light.

"I'm betrothed to Astoria…" Your voice is low and barely audible.

"Still not sure what it is, you're trying to say?" I do my best to keep calm.

"You're a distraction…" You whisper, and shivers run through me, "It's like I can't even hear her when you're close."

What can I say to that? No coherent thought comes to my mind.

"They're going to sign the papers, to make it official at, Christmas dinner…"

I'm slightly scared to ask, but I do anyway, "What in the world you're talking about?"

You look at me as if I'm a little silly.

"Our parents. The contract for our engagement."

"But you're…" My voice is so small I can barely hear it myself.

"Off age... And the tradition is to marry young. Preferably next summer."

"You want that?" I ask, not really wanting to hear the answer.

But you won't say anything. Just look at me...And your gaze travels down to my lips, and then back to my eyes.

I think I've forgotten how to breathe.

"Do you think anyone ever considered that?" You ask me sarcastically.

I know the answer is no…

"No one ever asked if I wanted to really join Him…If I knew what I was putting myself into… no one ever asked if I was ready to kill Dumbledore if I wanted to live in the same house as the dark lord if I wanted to torture people if I wanted to come back to school where everyone hates me…if I want to carry on the family line…if I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who knows a lot about shoes and fashion, but not much else…"

I raise my hand to touch your arm before I can stop myself. I know this about you…I've figured it all out already. But hearing you say the words yourself…it is like having someone tell you, you passed the test with top score.

But somehow it doesn't feel like a victory...

"Maybe you should tell them no," I speak with a soft voice.

You study me, and my face feels hot…I'm not sure if it is because of the atmosphere or the situation.

"Might as well tell them I want to get disinherited." you huff.

I shrug, "Feels oddly free, not having to worry about the inheritance you don't have, don't you think?"

Something happens, and it feels like the sun just came out and shone upon me: You smile.

It lights your face like I've never seen before and the hue in your eyes suddenly looks like the clouds right after the storm.

And you're so beautiful my heart aches.

"What would you want then?" I ask, hoping not to ruin your good mood.

You look at me.

Then you lean closer and my breath hitches.

"This." You say and kiss me again.

How I've waited for this!

To feel you again.

No one's hesitating this time. We kiss with all we've got.

And I don't have the time to think what your answer means…only that you want this: your lips on mine and hands roaming my body, just as much as I do.

We are standing in the middle of greenery, tropic heat surrounding us, kissing each other, like lovers having a secret rendezvous...This is starting to remind a scene from a cheesy erotica. I can't help the snort escaping from my lips when the thought pops into my head.

You pull back and look at me questioningly.

"Don't stop!" I say and try to pull you back to me.

"Eager, are you?" You whisper against my lips and refuse me the contact.

Your hands are on the hem of my shirt, like your hesitating...

I wonder how long can we go before it's too late to back off?

The wise thing to do would be to go…to walk out before this turns into anything we can't take back anymore.

Then you lift your hand to my jaw and travel one finger along my throat down to where the first button of my shirt hides my bra.

You look at me and raise an eyebrow.

Like a question….

And I bite my lip and your eyes darken.

"You should back away…" you say with a dangerously low tone.

Maybe I should...

You open the button under your fingers. And I'm so glad that today, of all days, I chose a pretty bra instead of the comfortable one.

"Tell me no." you challenge me.

But I won't…because I don't want to.

I take a good hold of your shirt and pop the buttons open, all at once.

I already knew you are well built, but it's not like I have seen many shirtless men…Like this anyway...

But I don't have the time to enjoy the view. Because we're kissing again.

Lustful hard kisses, that tell me there's only going to be one end.

You hoist me up on the desk and I feel you in between my thighs.

My shirt is open, your hands are on my butt pulling me to you and your kisses on my breasts.

And oh god, what the hell am I doing?

I should have read some instructions...'How to be a lover, 101', perhaps? I briefly wonder if such book exists...

I'm not a virgin, but it's completely different, to try things with someone I know than to be here with you now…

Suddenly I realize we're in a public greenhouse! What if someone walks in on us?!

But before my panic hits me full force, you drown me in your heated kiss and I forget what it was I was worried about.

It's not enough! I reach for your belt, but you shove my hand away.

"Tell me what you want?" You kiss down my neck and I can't think.

I bite my lip.

I'm not that easy…

you want me to talk? I make sure I won't.

Your hand graces the inside of my thigh and my hips buckle.

You nib my earlobe and I moan aloud.

"Tell me…" You whisper.

I shake my head.

You pull back a little and look me in the eyes, and all I see is desire. It makes me feel victorious…But It doesn't satisfy my need.

And you seem to decide something because you hold my gaze…and I stare back because this isn't just your game... I'm playing too.

But I loose…because when your fingers enter me I close my eyes and whimper out.

Yes…

I was so right I couldn't do this on my own.

It's all heat and sweat and desire and pleasure.

Your fingers dancing on me and I'm completely at your mercy.

"Tell me what you want!" You order again.

And I can't help the words coming out of my mouth, "More!"

Finally, you let me touch you!

And I can't stop it, but the only word coming out of my mouth when you push yourself inside of me is your name.

Not Malfoy…But Draco.

I know it pleases you, the sound you make proves me right.

We are fucking…There is no other way to describe it.

It's rough and passionate and needy.

I claw your back and you bite my neck and I know it's going to leave a mark.

"Harder." I order, and you let out a breathless laugh: "Now you tell me."

But you obey.

And the rhythm of our bodies sends me over, I toss my head back and scream.

And you groan with me.

And it's heaven.

We hold onto each other as our breaths calm down. I'm still sitting on the desk and you are still holding me.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. So I say nothing... and we adjust our clothing in silence.

Only when I'm already nearly at the door, you call after me. And you can't believe the relief I feel when I hear your voice.

"Hermione." You say

Hermione! Not Granger! Hermione, like it mattered it was me.

I turn to face you…

"No one can know!" Your eyes are serious.

I only nod.

I don't know why I'm so relieved of your words…Maybe I thought you were going to tell me it was a mistake?

Maybe in your words, I can hear a promise this can happen again...

 


	3. Escape

Christmas rolls around.

I go with Ginny to spend it in the Burrow.

Which means I have to face Ron…

What do I say to him when almost all I can think about is you?

How I hate to watch you leave with her… How she takes your arm to guide you…Like you couldn't bloody well walk yourself!

I try so hard to think it's not jealousy I'm feeling. That I have no claim over you…and she does…Or she will when the holidays are due.

She will have the only claim…

"Hermione?" Ginny asks beside me.

"What!?" I snap back too fast and too angrily… she looks at me weird.

"Who peed in your cereal?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Ginny…I'm just nervous..."

"I thought you love Christmas?"

Damn her memory...

"I do! It's just the traveling…"

She doesn't buy it, I can tell, but doesn't push further… But I see her looking the Slytherins backs with a thoughtful expression.

Neville and Luna join us to share a compartment.

But the train has barely moved when we hear noises from the corridor.

Neville opens the door to see what is going on.

"Draco! Don't you dare! What is the matter with you? Here is our compartment!" Her shrill voice echoes through the train.

Suddenly you are there, brushing past Neville and into our compartment.

Without a word, you sit on the window seat and stare out.

We are so baffled, everyone is just gaping at you.

This is exactly why I can't figure you out. One minute I think I've gotten a pretty good idea, and then you do something so surprising all my theories fly out the window.

Now She is at our door.

"Draco come on. What are you playing at, Dear?"

I really, really, really hate the way she says it!

You won't look at her… or give any implication she's even talking to you.

"Draco! This instant!" She commands.

And I want to tell her to fuck off...

"Leave, Astoria. I need some time alone." You growl still not looking at her.

"Alone? How are you alone surrounded by these… people?"

She means to say, lowlife, like us...I can tell by the depreciation in her voice and by the way she wrinkles her straight nose.

Ginny stands up, "You heard him, Greengrass, now leave."

"Draco? What is going on, why does she talk for you?" Her voice is tense now.

Ginny laughs coldly, "You think He's here because he has something to do with either of us? I can tell you: he doesn't. And none of us wants to have anything to do with him, for that matter. But he hasn't done anything yet but sat there, so if he can behave himself, he can stay. You, on the other hand, may go!" She spits the last words out.

Ginny is my best friend because of that attitude. She doesn't judge... She knows the war is over and continuing our old ways won't change a thing. She is willing to let you…of all people, sit in our compartment, as long as you won't cause us harm.

Neville blocks Astoria out the door and closes it.

We sit in silence.

Luna is reading the Quibbler like she hasn't heard the whole encounter.

You are staring out of the window and Neville sits next to you giving you suspicious looks.

Our feet are nearly touching, because of the tight space. And I wonder if the others feel the electricity sizzling and pulsing between us...if you feel it...

"Should we play?" Ginny takes the cards out and I nearly give a breath of relief.

We play and let you sit where you are, staring gloomily out of the window like you're not even here.

Soon, it seems the others have forgotten you completely.

I can not... Even if I'm trying to concentrate on the game, I'm still constantly aware of every movement you make.

I still can and can't understand why you're here... I do understand the part where you wanted to get rid of Her for a while. And that you came to sit here because we are the only people she won't join...who won't let her join. But it still feels weird…there are tens of other compartments you could sit... And you chose ours?

Is this your way of rebelling?

I just hate, when I can't find the logical reason... Briefly, I wonder if it's because of me…but no… I know you well enough to know it isn't.

It's our fifth round on our card game when you break the silence.

"Play the spades, Longbottom."

Neville glances at you and then back to his cards. And so very slowly, he does what you told him to: Plays the spades…and wins the game.

"Do you want to play Malfoy?" Ginny asks you, like it wasn't a big deal.

But I know it is… for you it is.

You don't talk, or look at us, or even change your expression, but you do play with us.

From the corner of my eye, I see a victorious smile pass your lips when you win a round, and I feel elated… Because this: you playing cards with us in the Hogwarts Express, must mean something profound has changed…

You leave before the train arrives at the station. Just walk out, not uttering a word of goodbye

It doesn't surprise us though, but we still stare after you.

"Well, that was a little weird, don't you think?" Ginny asks immediately after you're out of a hearing range.

We nod, all but Luna.

"He used to bring me food when I was a prisoner in his house…" She says like it's yesterday's news, "I think he wants to make some of his wrongs right."

"By sitting in our compartment?" Neville sounds suspicious...

I don't know why, but she looks at me with her calm dreamy eyes when she answers: "By showing he is not our enemy."

I hate to admit that she might be right…that there is something in her words I didn't think of.

Maybe because I already knew he isn't an enemy… enemies don't do what we did… An image of him, chest bare, eyes full of desire, flash in my mind.

"Hermione?" Ginny snaps her fingers in front of my face.

I turn to look at her.

"You suddenly had a funny look in your face, care to share?"

"No…I was just thinking of what Luna said…and the Manor"

I think it passes as good enough excuse...

Ginny, once again, doesn't push further.

.

.

.

They're waiting for us and we rush to hug them.

Harry laughs and kisses Ginny deeply.

I hug Ron too, hoping he doesn't expect us to kiss.

Apparently, he does…but I turn my head just in time and his kiss lands on my cheek.

The moment his lips touch my skin, I notice your eyes on us.

Your mother talks to Astoria and you stand by her looking straight at me.

There is a storm in your eyes and I feel like my heart stops.

I want to push Ron away…to step back to show you it's not what it looks like. That I won't just mess around with you and then go back to Ron. Not that I think you care...But I still want to prove to you that I'm not his! And there is nothing, but friendship between us.

But I can do nothing but hold your gaze, willing you to understand what this is about… And you hold mine and for a moment it feels like nothing exists, but you and me…

I want to shout on top of my lungs: Don't agree to marry her!

I want to run to you, throw my arms around your neck and kiss you with all I got... I want your hands around me and your lips on mine so badly it feels like a physical pain.

You're like an addiction…

"Hermione?" Ron gives me a weird look and I'm forced back to reality…

The reality, where there's nothing between us… And I notice you already left…

I smile to my friends like nothing's out of the ordinary, "Let's go!"

.

.

.

This is the second Christmas after the war…

The second Christmas without Fred…and Remus…and Tonks.

After everything, we all took a year off. Hogwarts and the magical world and our mental health needed to be rebuilt.

I went to get my parents, who decided they wanted to stay in Australia…I visit sometimes.

They weren't angry, but I still feel guilty…I still feel they'll never understand, why I did, what I did.

In a way, I feel like I lost them, even when I tried to save them.

I'd love to spend the Christmas with them…but they never asked and I didn't want to push it.

I hope we'll someday be a family again like we used to.

Until then I stick with my magical substitute family but The Weasleys are broken too.

Nothing will ever be the same for them now that Fred is gone.

Molly has this never leaving sadness in her eyes, every time she looks at her family...

There is always a free chair in the table like they're waiting for him to join us.

George returned to the Joke Shop…but he is a shadow of himself.

I try not to pity them…because pity's no use to anyone… but I sill do.

.

.

.

I try my best to avoid being left alone with Ron. I help Molly and try to follow Ginny around so much she has to tell me, she wants to spend time alone with Harry.

Ginny and Harry… how happy they are…and how happy I'm for them.

But sometimes I wish I could have that too… happiness like theirs...

I wish it was simple…

...and I don't.

I don't want simple! I want…

I want thrilling…intellectual…passionate…

Your face just before we kiss, floats into my mind… your eyes staring right into my soul...

"Hermione?"

I got distracted! And now, no one else is around, and Ron is there, and I can't escape!

He's standing a lot less close than you did the last time we were alone, and still, I feel he's too close.

"What is it?" I try to sound light, but I think I fail.

Ron seems to think I'm nervous for other reasons because he takes my hand.

"I just wanted to spend some time with you alone." He is closer still.

I don't have time to react because he kisses me.

And I freeze...

His lips move on mine and everything about him is just wrong!

His touch is questioning, when yours is determined…

His lips are lazy when yours are firm and demanding…

He feels wrong, tastes wrong, smells wrong…

I try to pull back, but he seems to think I want more because he doesn't stop…

How I miss your touch…the way you consume me…the way you make me forget where, and why, and how, and even who, I am.

I raise my hands and push Ron back.

"What's wrong?" He asks confused.

I shake my head.

"I'm sorry Ron, I thought I made myself clear the last time we talked about this.."

I know I didn't! I knew he never understood…

I feel like a fraud…

"I thought you just wanted to concentrate on your studies…" He mutters.

Why can't I just love him? So that I wouldn't have to be the one to tell him it's not going to happen...

"It's more than that Ron… I think…" I take his hand to make a point, "I think we were never meant to be more than friends."

He stares at me with disbelief and yanks his hand from mine.

"No… No, Hermione, we are meant to be together!" His voice is pleading, "I love you! I always have!"

And yet he treated me the way he did…

I feel like a vengeful bitch! And I should be sorrier for that than I am...

"Ron, listen. I love you too, as a friend! But when it comes to romance, we want completely different things!"

"You've met someone else?" His voice is louder and his ears red.

"NO!"

Liar, liar, pants of fire…

"Then I don't understand! I've been waiting for you for all these months! Do you know how many girls are willing to be with me?!"

I don't know what to say to that...

He shakes his head, "You are unbelievable! Make me wait for all this time and then decide to act like an uptight bitch!"

This is so him…when in doubt, insult Hermione!

"No need to start calling me…"

"I CAN CALL YOU WHATEVER I LIKE! YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE!" He's yelling and I'm so fed up with these tantrums he throws at me!

"What's wrong?" Ginny emerges through the door before I get to say another word.

"Hermione decided she needed to play hard to get." Ron snapped.

"I'm not playing hard to get Ron! I told you I want to stay as friends."

"Maybe I never wanted to be your friend!" He yells and stomps out the door.

Ginny looks at me, "He had it coming, didn't he?"

I shrug because I do feel bad it had to come to this…him being angry with me.

"Come on, the dinner is ready." She says, and I follow her.

In the night, when I lay awake in my bed staring at the ceiling. it's not Ron who keeps me up, but you. I wonder if you've already agreed to marry Astoria with magically binding contact?

If you're already out of reach?


	4. Lights

**DRACO:**

I lie on the floor of the room I used to call mine for my whole life…Up until nothing in this place was mine anymore.

I lie on the floor because I can’t sleep in my bed…I can’t sleep anywhere.

The walls still echo the sounds of the prisoners…the sounds of their screams when they were tortured…when I tortured them…

The voices follow me where ever I go.

Trust me, I’ve tried so many ways, to tune them out, but nothing helps. They follow me to Hogwarts too... The ghosts of war.

And the whole world is black and white…Stripped from colors…

Except when you look at me across the hall…

For a year I walked past the drawing room and your screams were the loudest voice in my head. The way you screamed when my aunt carved the word Mudblood in your arm…screamed like I did when I was branded with the mark of my own…

Then I went back to the school and there you were, in flesh and not screaming…but glowing…glowing the light all the world had lacked before you walked in… the same way you glowed in the trials when you stood there proud, telling the high wizards me and my mother deserved another chance…

I couldn’t appreciate it then…but maybe someday I will…

But the point is, that suddenly you are the only light I see.

And weirdly, you kept looking at me…studying me, like I was one of your books.

It should have irritated me, but somehow, I found myself studying you too… Learning to read you… and I found you so much more fascinating than just the know-it-all hero girl, I had thought you were.

You are captivating, addictive and beautiful…and suddenly I found myself lusting after you… watching you bite your lower lip and wishing I could be the one doing that…

Then one day I found out that if your presence was the only light, kissing you was like salvation… Only when my lips were on yours and my hands on you, I felt like I knew who I was again…like, for once, I knew what I was supposed to do. Like I was me…not just what everyone expected me to be…and like I was sane.

Funny how something so crazy, like kissing you, made me feel so sane... Because only when you are close to me, I can tune out the ghosts of war.

But I’m here…and you are nowhere to be found…and in a few days, I’m about to sign my name to papers, that will keep me from you for the rest of my life.

.

.

.

Astoria.

My future wife…

Somewhere...in another life maybe, I would have been pleased it was her, they had chosen.

But now, after the war, after everything that’s happened, I just can’t make myself think of this as a good decision.

I don’t want her…I don’t need her…I don’t feel anything for her.

In public, I stand her because I must, but in private I try to avoid her as much as I can… but it gets harder and harder by the day.

She is here now. In the guest room, probably waiting for an invitation to my bed...I’m glad to let her wait…

The Christmas dinner is tomorrow. The contracts are written and the only thing they lack are the names to seal the deal. To bind me to her and her to me for the rest of our lives. To bound her to provide an heir to the Malfoy line and me to provide her... to bound us to belong only to each other.

“Maybe you should tell them no…” I hear your words and the way you look at me under your lashes.

I can’t…

I don’t think I’m strong enough.

I think of the way your eyes bore into mine. How you match my stare and show me you’re my equal… How my name sounds leaving your lips.

I think of the last time I saw you on the platform…the way you looked at me when Weasley kissed your cheek.

The way it felt like the whole world ceased to exist and there were only your eyes holding mine. And I wanted to come to you and take you away from him.

I wanted to tell him, you are not his!

But we came here, and you left with him, and the world is black and white again.

.

.

.

“Mother.”

She turns to look at me and smiles.

“Draco dear! You look so handsome!”

Briefly, I believe she will understand me…then I remember she has been the one to make this decision.

“I’m not signing.” The words came out faster than I meant them to.

She looks shocked, just as I thought.

“What do you mean, Dear?” even her voice is stiffer now…but I have this planned...

“I won’t say I’m not marrying her next summer. But I won’t sign my name in the papers that take away my free will.”

This was the only way I could think of…to buy more time.

“But Draco, that’s the way it’s always been done before.”

“And this is not before. This is a completely new era, mother. We can’t hold onto the traditions like they were the law. The new world won’t except it. Like I said… I’ll marry her for my free will. Not because of some papers.”

I’m lying…but I know she’ll buy my reasons because there are tears in her eyes now.

“That’s so romantic of you, love.” She embraces me, “Of course they’ll understand. I’ll see to that.”

Maybe she won’t understand…but she will believe.

And in the evening, as we all gather to the table, I don’t have to be the one to break the news. Mother does it for me.

She tells them, we are already so much in love she thinks the contracts are unnecessary. That we will marry on free will. And that we need to adapt the old traditions to this new world… A world, where old pureblood laws are not respected anymore...

Father is not pleased…and neither is Astoria.

But she doesn’t dare to argue with my mother.

Later, when the parents have gone to the study for a drink (and business negotiations…), I’m going to escape to my room, but she comes to stand before me.

“Why won’t you sign Draco?” Her eyes are not suspicious, just questioning.

“I’m not signing away my free will. And I’m not marrying someone, just because of my name in some stupid papers.”

She must think my words have something to do with her because she throws her hands around my neck and kisses me.

And I freeze

Everything about her is just wrong!

Her touch is pushy and fake when yours is sincere and seductive.

Her lips are invading and wet when yours are soft and welcoming…

She feels wrong, tastes wrong, smells wrong…

It’s like we are tuned completely differently…

How I miss your touch…the way you enchant me…The way you make me forget the laws, I’ve followed my entire life.

“What’s wrong?” She caresses my chest and I feel a strong urge to push her further away from me.

“Nothing… I’m just having a headache.” I don’t even have to lie much…

I round her, and she lets me go upstairs.

So here I lie on my floor again. Wondering if I’ll ever get to touch you again…if you’re already Weasley’s…

If you’re already out of reach…

.

.

.

New Year's gala…A stupid, phony way of respecting those who died in the war.

How is dressing up in fancy dresses and black suits and drinking champagne respecting anyone?

This newly started tradition is so pureblood, it almost makes me laugh.

Everyone who’s anything is here.

That means you’re here too…

Astoria hangs in my arm.

Shining her fake smile around. Small talking to people in high positions. Playing her part.

My mother is glowing to her, and even my father is smiling…even though people are sneering at them or ignoring them altogether.

We are not welcome…and still we have to be here...to show everyone: After everything Malfoys' still, stand strong.

It’s bullshit…But I play along…because what else could I do?

By midnight we gather to the rooftop to watch the fireworks.

More stupid ways of celebrating: let’s blow some money into the sky!

I gulp my drink down…The fireworks start, and at the same moment, I see you.

You’re not looking at the sky like everyone else, but straight to me.

I think you are the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.

Like someone out of this world.

You’re wearing a long velvet red dress, hugging your delicate curves.

Your hair is tied up, but the untamable curls seem to refuse to stay up.

The lights in the sky flash on your face and change the hues…and in every single one you’re stunning.

I can imagine myself stripping the dress from you...

And the countdown begins:

TEN

you turn away and begin to leave

NINE

Weasley takes your hand, you turn back, and I can see your red lips move when you explain something to him.

EIGHT

You glance at me one last time before you go.

SEVEN

Astoria isn’t looking, so I turn to follow you

SIX

Inside the ballroom

FIVE

Down the stairs. I think you haven’t noticed I’m following.

FOUR

The door of the ladies’ bathroom swings behind you…I don’t even think twice before I follow through.

THREE

You are standing there, facing the door like you knew to wait for me.

TWO

We are standing face to face, you’re biting your lower lip.

ONE

“Hello…” You lean closer and whisper close to my ear, “…Draco.”

ZERO

The world outside explodes, and our lips meet.

We kiss like we’ve never kissed before because now we know what we’ve missed.

This moment, the past, the present, the future…fused together as last year turns into a new one.

And suddenly everything is new, everything is possible…

For a moment I let myself believe that you could be mine…that I could be worthy of you.

But a knock on the bathroom door crashes the reality back to me and brakes us apart.

“Hermione! are you there?” It’s Weaslette, “Why is this door locked?”

“Shh” You put your finger in front of my lips and giggle silently...Like you’re tipsy, I suddenly realize.

“Just a minute Ginny, I spilled some champagne on my dress.” You yell and then whisper to me, “We are not finished!”

But you leave anyway. With your heels clicking, you walk out the door and leave me wondering what the hell you’re playing at?

When did I give you a permission to tell me when we are finished and when not?

 

 


	5. Hide

**DRACO:**

The year is new but the same stupid party goes on.

You dance with Potter, She-Weasel, and Weasley and I try not to look.

Astoria is nowhere to be seen…Great! usually, she is always around, but now when I needed her distraction, of course, she is out of sight.

You walk to the bar and I think my only chance to tell you, you can’t boss me around, has arrived.

But your actions blow me completely of the guard! Because when the bartender isn’t looking, you lean forward and snatch a bottle of champagne from the counter. For a moment I think you might steal it…but then you wave it and yell, “Seamus! I’m taking another! Put it on me!”

And you turn to face me.

The way a wicked smile spreads to your face makes me forget what I was supposed to say.

I kind of not like how you make me speechless…Malfoys don’t go speechless.

I find myself following you again and soon we’re back on the roof.

“Are you having fun?” You ask, turning to face me.

“Does it look like I’m?” I don’t even bother to hide the sarcasm.

You lean closer again and I notice your intoxicating smell is stronger tonight…maybe you’ve put on more perfume than usual?

A flashback about a cauldron full of liquid and the same smell flowing around the classroom pops into my head…Amortentia...

“Did you sign the papers?”

I stare at your delicately moving red lips and shake my head.

You crook your head just slightly and look me in the eyes, “Do you want to get out of here?”

Without a second thought, without thinking about the consequences, I nod.

You take a swing of champagne and hand the bottle to me and we apparate.

The small apartment we land on is so much you I almost laugh aloud.

If I should have described your home it would have looked just like this: Light and neat, despite the books everywhere.

You kick your heels off and walk to the kitchen.

My eyes follow the sway of your hips as you go.

“I hate parties like that!” You say pulling out two champagne glasses.

You raise your eyebrows to me, shaking the glasses and I realize I’m standing in the middle of your living room, bottle in my hand, like a stupid person.

But before I move you’ve already shrugged and put the glasses down.

“Fine,”

I watch you take the bottle and take another swing.

“Everything and everyone is so fake!” You huff…still talking about the party and offer me the bottle.

“Tell me about it…”

“Draco…” There is something almost sinful in the way my name sounds coming from your lips.

You’re standing only inches away again...

“You’re impossible to read…”

I stare at your moving lips.

We are not finished…You had said…and we definitely are not!

I wonder if we’ll ever be finished…probably not...

“I shouldn’t be doing this…” You whisper.

I almost roll my eyes, “Yet here we are...”

This time it’s you who kisses me.

It’s your lips, that reach mine and I must admit, it feels like a conquest.

I think we bought already know what’s the conclusion of our actions.

The kisses we share are never, not now, not before, tender.

It’s like we’ve just turned the war between us into lust. Every kiss is a competition, even when I’m fairly sure we bought have the same aim.

I quite enjoy it…This game of push and pull, we are playing.

Kissing you is never boring...or ordinary…or predictable.

When I was younger I thought you were innocent and even a prude… And maybe you were…

But the woman you’ve grown into is not…

You let me undo the zip of your dress and just like I imagined it flows to the ground.

I let you lead and our lips never part, but we stumble into your bedroom.

And when my shirt is almost off, the most cliché thing happens:

“Hermione!” Someone yells from the living room.

Your hands and lips freeze, and you look at me with wide eyes.

“Shit!”

I almost laugh out loud to your expression and the absurdity of the situation.

You’re on your underwear, your hair a mess and lips red.

My chest is bare and my belt open…

If that someone decides to come to check the bedroom now, there will be no question what we were about to do.

“Hermione, are you home? where did you disappear?”

“Shh!” You raise your finger to your lips and maneuver me the door in the far end of the room.

“Don’t tell me it’s a closet!” I whisper because this couldn’t get more predictable…

You snort.

“Hermione?” The intruder is closer to the door already.

You wave your hands and I do go...Fast.

It’s not a closet…It’s a bathroom.

I close the door and listen.

“Harry!” You scream a little too loudly.

I swear in my mind. Fucking Potter! Why do him and Weasley always have to be sticking their noses into things that don’t concern them!

Except this is about you…Probably you do, concern them…

“Harry, I wash abut to get to shleep.” Were you that drunk?

“Hermione! Are you drunk?” I hear Potter ask and I realize you’re maybe pretending.

“No.”

“I think you are.” Potter laughs, “I just came to check you’re ok since you disappeared so quickly. Go back to sleep and we’ll see tomorrow.”

Just as I’m about to breath of relief his voice is back.

“Hermione, was someone else here?”

You laugh, and even I hear it’s a fake…If Potter doesn’t, he’s even thicker than I thought.

“What made you think that, silly?”

“There are two glasses in the kitchen.”

I think briefly about what would happen if Potter found out I was here… The look in his stupid face when he realizes… Maybe I should walk there just to see it…

“You’d tell us if you were seeing someone, wouldn’t you?”

I roll my eyes…

“Of course Harry!”

I think your voice is still too high pitched to pass as the truth, but probably Potter buys it because I hear him leave.

Maybe I should go now…now is my chance to tell you: you can’t boss me around, walk out and go home.

Cool and unaffected.

But when you open the bathroom door in your morning robe, laughing, I forget I was supposed to do anything but continue where we left off.

Suddenly I find myself laughing with you.

Me…laughing!?

I don’t laugh!

Especially not like this! Like I was happy…or entertained…

“You should have seen his face!” You smile taking my hand and pulling me out the bathroom.

“Imagine the look, if he’d seen you!”

I’m not going to tell you I just thought about the same thing!

But you kiss me and all thoughts of Potter’s face leave me.

“Where were we?” There’s still a smile in your voice.

This was about showing you can’t tell me what I do… but when you push me to the bed and straddle me I have a feeling you’re still on charge…

and it’s not like I’m going to stop you now… it’s not like I mind so much…

.

.

.

The sun has just risen when I leave your apartment.

You’re still sleeping when I gather my things and tiptoe out.

It’s cowardly I know… but when I woke up my hands around you, I felt like I couldn’t take the morning.

I couldn’t continue sleeping with you next to me like we were…something more… I couldn’t bear the thought of awkward conversation in the morning…debating whether what we did…again…was wrong and shouldn’t go on…

Besides, I already knew I had to make up some story for my parents and Astoria, about where I disappeared. Returning in the early hours of the morning would be easier to explain than returning the next day.

Because interrogation is what I get… Mother and Astoria bombard me with questions.

“Where did you disappear?”

“Where were you?”

“Who was with you?”

“Why are you coming home at this hour?”

“Do you know how worried we were!?”

“Why on earth would you do something like this?”

I answer solemnly sticking to the story of having enough of the party and stumbling to some bar where I met an old friend…from Slytherin of course… Drank too much and wondered around to clear my head.

In my head images flash by… you in your red dress…you on your underwear…the look in your eyes just before you kiss me… you laughing after Potter left… You biting your lip and staring down at me… You ordering me to go faster, harder... you sleeping soundly in my arms...

But I keep my cool and they believe my story.

.

.

.

Only when I lie on my floor the next night, do I realize I had no trouble sleeping at your place.

That for the hours I was with you…the war didn’t cross my mind once...

 


	6. Unfinished

 

**HERMIONE**

 

 

 

I wake up and you are gone.

It's not like it surprises me… what does surprise me though, is the note you've left on my table.

Its only one sentence, written with your neat, round handwriting:

_We are not finished!_

I smile, and there is this strange bubbly feeling in my chest I feel I should be worried about…

Because what are we now?

There is no way this could pass as one-time fling anymore…

I know you told me you didn't sign the papers…but what does that mean?

I regret not asking!

Are you still going to marry her in the summer? You were with her at the party after all…

Does this make me your lover? your mistress?

I must laugh out loud for the sound of it: Hermione Granger, a mistress.

But I still don't like to think of myself as yours… I'm not yours! I'm my own! What I do with you, is because of me…not because of you…

I could walk away…

but I don't want to…

Because the push and pull between us…is the only thing that feels real… that makes me feel alive… that electrifies my soul… that makes me feel as something else than one-third of the golden trio… the brains of the bunch… the one to belong with Ron Weasley…

I can see it in your eyes when you look at me… you see more… you see a woman…and no one, (besides maybe Victor, but we were children then) has ever looked at me like that before.

Still, I can't find a reason for you to do this… to corner me in the bathroom as the fireworks flash outside...

My hands still tremble when I think about it: The heat of your lips as we kissed when the world outside filled with cheering and light and laughter.

It took every ounce of my self-control to walk away from you… but it also gave me an upper hand…

A feel of control.

Your note proves I was right (Duh, of course!): For now, I'm the one in control.

I sip my morning coffee...And try to think of something else…

But whatever I think, my mind always wanders back to you.

I try several outs…even Hogwarts A History… but somehow your eyes in the flashing of the fireworks won't leave me alone.

I groan.

I'm supposed to go to the Weasleys for dinner, but suddenly I don't feel like going…. I don't want to answer their questions of last night…where did I disappear?

Ginny already gave me an earful about how their midnight kissing was all ruined by my disappearance.

I wanted to tell her she should have just kept kissing Harry and not look after me…it's not like I told her to! It's not like I wanted her to interrupt us! That likewise, my midnight kissing was ruined by her!

I send a message to Molly that I don't feel well, and realize it was a bad idea an hour later as I find Harry and Ginny at my door.

And of course, I let them in… despite the panic, I feel for not coming up with good enough of a story to tell them…

They sit beside my table and I try to make a light conversation… but I notice the glances they exchange.

"Who is it, Hermione?" Ginny slams the question into the table…

I act surprised…and I know I fail miserably…

"Who is what?"

"The guy! Who was here last night?" Harry joins…

I laugh…but even I wouldn't believe myself…

Still, I'm not ready to give in just yet, "What are you talking about? What on earth gave you that idea?"

I already know…it was my heels kicked off my feet…my red dress on the floor…two glasses on the counter and the half-drank-bottle of champagne on the living room table…

Then I see the note, that I haven't moved… written by your hand, just hours before.

It's in the middle of the table and slowly their eyes follow my gaze.

There's no way they might miss it.

I hope to god Harry does not realize your handwriting!

Ginny looks back at me with a glint in her eyes and grabs the paper waving it in the air, "We are not finished? Are you going to try and tell me this was written by….who?... your neighbor?"

I don't know what to say… I try and think of names for an imaginary man who might have been here…

Harry is staring ahead like he's thinking hard…like he remembers he has seen that writing somewhere.

Ginny's eyes go wide suddenly: "Oh my god! He was there! In the bathroom with you when I came knocking?! wasn't he?"

I open my mouth…and close it again... no sound comes out.

I try to think: They don't know it was you… chanting it over and over in my head.

"Well, who is it? Has it been going on for a long time? Is it serious? Why haven't you told me!?" Ginny sounds all excited.

If she only knew…

I shake my head, "It's nothing…I mean… it's not serious… he's… I mean… no… it's nothing."

"Come on Hermione! Give me something! Do we get to meet him?"

"It's not serious really…it's just casual f…" I snap my mouth shut.

"HERMIONE! Oh my god! A casual fuck?! For you? You know we won't buy that! Won't we Harry?" She looks at Harry who just shakes his head… still thoughtful.

Suddenly I feel frustrated. Why am I being pushed like this! If I was anyone else, I could just brush it off. I could tell them it was just a random guy I picked up from the party... But not me… they wouldn't believe something like that of me.

Now that I think of it… neither would I, believed that is, a few months ago… but now… now I don't feel so innocent anymore.

"He's taken, okay!" I spit out and Ginny's eyes go wide.

"Hermione!" She breaths out again.

"Betrothed…" I mutter not loud enough for them to hear I hope.

Suddenly Harry snaps his head up and looks at me in the eyes for the first time in a long time.

And I know… I know, because I know him so well… that somehow, he knows…

He knows it's you…

"It's Malfoy." He says quietly, and Ginny turns to look at him.

"What?"

I feel like I'm backed in the corner…

I see realization hit Ginny.

"Of course!" She looks at me triumphantly, "Of course! I should have known! The looks he's been giving you the whole term!"

"What looks?" Harry interrupts bows furrowed.

"I've seen him stare at her with this strange look in his eyes… Like she is the only thing he sees in the Great Hall. Sometimes when she walks across the hall his eyes follow her… and when that awful girl, Greengrass, talks to him his eyes wander to our table every now and then… Once He even asked me where Hermione is..."

"When was that?" I just have to ask.

"The day you'd left your books in the greenhouse, remember?"

Oh, do I remember…

"I mean, I just thought it had something to do with you defending him in the trials… but you're actually fucking him?!"

"It's not…it hasn't happened that often…" I mutter quietly.

"Why him?" Harry asks more collected than Ginny's overexcitement.

Why? If I could only tell myself… Nothing that I can say out loud comes to mind…

"He's… I don't know…. first, I thought there was something wrong with my head… but he makes me feel… I don't know…bold…and daring, and…reckless?"

Ginny raises her eyebrows.

"I can't explain it… it feels like…. like I'm free… like I'm…something more than what I'm used to be…"

Like I'm a woman? Like I'm in control?

Your eyes pop into my mind again… the way you looked at me… like I was someone divine…the way you smiled against my lips yesterday when Harry almost caught us…

"But he is still marrying Greengrass?" Harry asks.

"He doesn't really want to!" I feel like I need to defend you…or myself… "But what we have… really, I swear, it's not serious. It's not even likely to happen again!"

"I beg to differ." Ginny waves your note in her hand.

"Anyway! I'm not expecting anything from him! and neither does he of me! Don't try to make this into some romance, because it's not."

"Just be careful Hermione! Remember what he has done." Harry looks serious.

"Sure, sure! Don't worry Harry, I know what I'm doing!" I smile at him.

Do I really?

"I think it's better we don't tell my brother though," Ginny says thoughtfully.

"NO!" I say loudly, "Absolutely not! He doesn't have to know! I don't want to handle the fit he is going to throw if he finds out!"

They promise not to tell anyone…

But as I close the door after them I have a feeling, this is going to change something…

What? I do not know yet…

But I just feel it…

And the feeling chills my bones…

.

.

.

So, we are back to school…

Back to routine…

Back to seeing you every day…

Back to being forced to watch you and Astoria together…

Back to wondering what is it that you're thinking…

I try to study for the final exams… I sit in the library evening after evening….

And evening after evening I realize I've read ten pages but can't remember a single sentence.

Mostly it's because you're there too... sitting two tables away from me, reading your own books.

Here seems to be the only place Astoria doesn't follow you.

Here you're free to sit alone.

I kind of hope we could study together… but there's no way I'm going to be the one to initiate that.

After all, it was you who walked out of my house without a word, in the morning of the New Year's Day.

It's going to be you who seeks my company again!

Even if my heart is racing…even if I can't concentrate…even if my skin yearns your touch so much it aches…

It's your move.

It takes two weeks for you to take it.

Then you finally sit at my table.

I won't look up…like I haven't noticed it's you.

Wandless magic

I read the headline over and over again, and realize my palms are sweating.

"This is ridiculous." You finally huff, and I act like I've just realized you're there.

"Magic isn't learned through books!" You say when I look at you questioningly.

I thought you were talking about us…but you were talking about studying?

I almost start to laugh.

"We ought to be let to practice more. I mean wandless magic? You can study the theory and learn the basics in classes, but there's no way of mastering it like this." You go on.

"Then go practice," I whisper, my eyes back on the book…that seems to have turned into some foreign language because I can't understand a word.

"I can do it already…"

I look at you again.

This again! You, acting all confusing…making absolutely no sense!

Why come and complain…to me of all people!... how it can't be learned through books and then tell me you know it already?

" If I know it already and you don't, what's the fun in competing who does better in finals?"

You're eyes glint… I haven't seen them look like that before… almost playful.

I can't even begin to describe everything that look makes me feel for you…or makes me want to do to you.

You lean closer holding my eyes with yours.

"I could show you."

The innuendo in your voice sends chills down my spine. You act like you're only telling me you could show me magic.

But I know it means more…

After all, I've already learned, there are a few kinds of magic you can show me.

But I'm not some damsel in distress, so I lean closer to you.

"You show me yours, I show you mine?"

I have an effect on you. It's all over your posture, your eyes and in the subtle redness that rises to your pale cheeks… for a moment I think you might kiss me… there, in the middle of a public school library… but you seem to gain control just before…

Your breath is on my face and you look from my lips to my eyes again.

I stare right back.

"You're going to be the fucking death of me woman." You whisper, and I wish we were somewhere in private so I could show you how much of a death of you I can be…

"You haven't seen half of it Malfoy."

At that, you laugh in a husky voice.

I love it when you laugh…

"Hermione!"

We almost jump out of our chairs and apart from each other.

It's fuckin' Ginny again!

On second thought though…luckily, it's only Ginny!

Imagine if it had been anyone else.

Thinking about it now, what were we even doing! Flirting faces only inches apart in the library!

WHAT ON EARTH WERE WE EVEN DOING!?

"I was just telling Granger here, she has no way of beating me in the exams with just theory." You've gotten up.

"I think she can hear you, even if you're not telling it inches from her face." Ginny raises her eyebrows at you.

I feel like giggling… nervous doesn't suit me, clearly.

"Just making sure she gets my point." You huff and walk away with long calm strides…like you're not affected.

When you're gone Ginny looks at me with wide eyes.

I know what she is going to say, and I know she is going to be right!

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing! He just came up to me with his insults…"

"Bullshit Hermione!" She spits out, "Didn't seem like you were too insulted when what you said made him blush! Anyone could have seen you! And I can tell you, anyone could have told it was not just insulting each other!"

I don't have words for my defense anymore.

"What if Greengrass saw you? If you're going to be playing with fire, at least be cautious about it!"

"Yes, I know Ginny! It got out of hand!"

"He is still getting married next summer, isn't he?"

"Of course! Nothing has changed! We haven't even talked since the holidays… it's nothing serious!"

"It'll get serious if you get caught! And let me tell you, it's not going to be a good kind of serious."

"Nothing is a good kind of serious…" I mutter.

"Anyway, don't get carried away."

"Yes, yes, mother, I will be careful."

She slaps my arm and laughs, and I know she'll drop it for now.

But she is also right… it was irresponsible and dangerous and stupid and wrong…

…and so very thrilling.

 


	7. Magic

**HERMIONE**

It seems that a magical room can't be burned by fiendfyre… at least a magical room in Hogwarts can't.

Because the Room Of Requirement is still fully functional.

It was a long shot to try.

I felt almost stupid pacing back and forth thinking: I need a room where I can study magic with Malfoy.

The space it gave us made me blush…

Can a room have a dirty mind? or is it my mind that was dirty when I wished for this?

Because the room gave us space yes... it gave us a room with a fireplace, cozy armchairs, and a sofa, shelves full of books, parchments, and quills and even a window that gave in "natural" light, but also a huge poster bed…

Where would we need a bed while studying?

There was also another room; empty…a place to put things in practice.

But I don't get to explore further because as soon as the door slams shut behind us. You shove me into the wall, kissing me like drowning man breaths for air.

Both of your hands are in my hair and you're holding on like I'm about to slip away any minute.

"Hermione…" You whisper as you kiss my neck…

It's still hard, still needy, still lustful like before…But this time it feels somehow more desperate...

Like you need to feel it's me you're kissing…

My name leaves your lips like a prayer… over and over again…

And it makes this feel a hundred times more intimate… and it makes this a hundred times more dangerous…

Because you, holding me like this…makes me feel things I'm not supposed to feel…

How are we supposed to study? When all we repeatedly keep doing is ending up tearing each other's clothes off?

But when you toss me to the bed, I don't really care…

not about studying…

or about why we are doing this, again…

or what I'm feeling for you…

At the moment all I'll ever need is your lips on mine...

your hands on my body...

...and your cock inside of me.

Will you listen to this? All that the brightest-witch-of-our-age needs….

…Oh, how the mighty have fallen…

.

.

.

You are brilliant!

I mean, I knew you were only second to me in our classes, but I never paid attention how much you really knew.

Suddenly I realize I've known nothing about living with magic your whole life.

Living…not in magic like the Weasleys or Neville…but for magic…with ambition and goals!

With a need to prove your power...

You tell me things your parents and tutors have told you… share me knowledge I've never possessed before…

And I can't help but think how much easier my life… and especially learning new things… would have been if I'd been taught these things first thing in our first year.

We sit in the middle of our empty training room.

Legs crossed, and eyes closed as you tell me how to feel my magic.

"A wand is only a way to channel it." You tell me with a voice, almost a whisper, "It's within you, and only if you learn to harness it, you can control it fully. It's easier with a wand… but way more powerful without…"

I can't find it though…

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to separate the feel of magic from everything else I'm feeling…

So, after a long while of feeling like an idiot… and a failure… I give up.

"I can't! It's not…I can't find it!" I sigh loudly.

As I open my eyes I find you looking at me with a crooked smile… amused by my frustration.

"Did you think it would be easy Granger?" There's a slightly mocking tone in your voice, "If it was easy everyone would do it."

"Can't be that hard…you've learned it!" I huff.

"I've been practicing since I was three. And I'm especially talented"

I glare at you: "Unfair!"

You laugh…

I can't help how my insides get all soft and my mind foggy when you laugh…

I'm a goddamn basket case!

You give my wand back to me, "Do you remember how it felt when you first held the right wand in your hand?"

I nod, how could I forget…

"Search for that feeling… because that was your magic, called by your wand"

I close my eyes again and think…

Think of the soar of magic… the way the energy seemed to flow through my fingers into the wand…

how it felt to cast the first simple spell…

Suddenly you're behind me, whispering, "Call for it."

And despite the distraction, the proximity of you gives me… I do feel it:

The warm electric sizzle in my veins rising from my toes and speeding towards where my hand touches the wand.

"Drop the wand, hold the feeling." You order close to my ear.

I inhale…

…and my wand clatters to the ground.

I stare at my fingers and almost expect to see lightnings because that's how it feels…like my fingers are charged.

"There."

I smile at you victoriously, " I found it!"

"Now you just have to learn to use it… piece of cake" There's sarcasm in your voice…

Like I don't know it's going to be hard work!

Besides, we have all the other subjects to learn too… and only a few months to learn them…

You'd laugh if you knew what I was thinking….

Then again, on second thought, I do like it when you laugh…

.

.

.

Twice a week we can manage.

To sneak away from our friends with good enough of an excuse…

Twice a week and your friends won't look for you…

Twice, and my friends (aka. Ginny, because she's the only one who knows where I really am.) won't start to lecture me…

We read

and talk

and analyze

and practice

and debate

…and fuck.

A lot…

With the pale light of the artificial window or the flames in the fireplace, lighting our room.

It's like our own substitute reality.

I step into this room and stop carrying all the roles I carry days in and out.

Like we strip each other, we strip our roles… and the faces we carry...

No past, no future…

just me…

and just you.

And our world of all the things we can learn about magic… and each other.

As weeks go by I begin to know you so well I don't need to wonder what it is you're thinking.

The ways you move,

twist your arms,

snap your mouth shut,

use sarcasm,

smile…

…Are enough to tell me what you think and how you feel.

And the magic we learn… it's unlike anyone could ever teach me.

Because we do it together, combining my knowledge of theory and yours of practice...

Sometimes I feel, that given enough time, we could be invincible.

I was a good witch before you taught me to harness my magic...

You were a good wizard before I taught you to emphasize your spells…

Compared to what we know after three months…we were just beginners!

The spells get harder and harder… so do the victories...

And after managing yet another new thing... l throw my arms around your neck and kiss you freely…

Like you're mine…

And you push me on the bed, lace our fingers together, kiss me deeply when you come…

and pull me close afterward…

Like I'm yours…

Somewhere deep inside I know it's an illusion…

…That it has to end when the school year ends.

But I just can't bring myself to care.

.

.

.

**DRACO**

I've never felt at ease.

My world has always been about keeping up appearances… one way or another.

Being a good Malfoy, a good son, a good Slytherin… a good Death Eater…

I was taught to care what other people think of me…

I was trained to keep the mask on…

And I kept it on for so long I thought it was how my face looked like...

But with you...

When your eyes shine in awe as you learn something new.

When you laugh and hit me playfully when you think I've said something stupid.

When you look at me doubtfully as I tell you something you don't believe outright.

When you tell me something with your ordering know-it-all-tone.

When you look at me like you're impressed… or like you liked what you saw…

When you curl against me like I could keep you safe…

I feel the mask slipping…

And when you call my name… it doesn't even sound like my name...

it sounds like a name belonging to someone…

decent…

someone worthy of you…

In our room, I'm stripped bare… no masks…no walls… nothing…

And it feels good…

to be Draco Malfoy…

Just Draco Malfoy…

nothing more.

But there is a problem…

That Draco Malfoy loves Hermione Granger…

That Draco Malfoy who thought he'd never know love…

Loves the way she laughs…

the way she rants…

the way she puts her everything into learning new things…

the way she matches his intelligence… and his sarcasm...

The way she is exactly who she is…nothing less, nothing more…

And the problem is that, that Draco Malfoy cannot exist outside of the room...

He…

I…

Me…

The Draco Malfoy outside of our room is not brave enough…

The Draco Malfoy… the trained puppet… the fucking coward… is not brave enough to love Hermione Granger… the Golden girl… the heroine…

He is still marrying Astoria Greengrass, the perfect trophy wife, who he will never love…

And it's a fucking tragedy

 


	8. Prerogatives

**DRACO**

"Draco… Why won't you join me?" Astoria asks, standing by the door of her dorm.

Why won't I sleep with her, is really what she is asking…

Why do I barely touch her anymore?

Why isn't my attention on her?

Why do I study so much?

"I want to respect the traditions…" I tell her again.

I've told her this, many times before, and I know it frustrates her.

"Surely the traditions let you give me some attention!?"

She just won't give up.

I rise and stand in front of her.

"Astoria, you know the traditions," I say with a voice full of authority.

Lucky, in pureblood families, women are taught to listen to their man… she won't argue further.

"Fine. Whatever you want love…"

You wouldn't give up that easily…you'd argue…you'd tell me you don't give a shit about traditions…

She kisses me, and I try not to act like a statue under her touch…

all I want to do is to push her away…

But in a few months, she'll be my wife…and I'll have no excuses left…

As soon as she is through her door I'm on my way out.

Up, to the seventh floor and into our room.

You're not there… it's not our night tonight…

I sit on the sofa and stare at the fire…

Suddenly my mind is full of thoughts that I've tried to push away for weeks…months now.

Thoughts about life after school…

A life where I wear my mask again every day…

where I'm the head of the Malfoy family…

A life that won't include you…

We never agreed to anything when we started this…

You never asked me to define what we are… You never asked me what you are to me… or what I'm for you.

We never decided when it started… or when it will end.

You never asked me how I'm keeping Astoria happy while waiting to get married…

Are you assuming I'm screwing you both?

I never took you for a careless kind of a girl… but that's what you seem to be now…. careless.

Like it's ok for you that we do what we do now… and it ends when it ends…

Because I think I know you…and if you weren't ok with it, why would you keep quiet?

I find no explanation, but I'm not going to be the one to ask you either…

If you're ok with it, who am I to argue…

"Draco?"

Suddenly you've entered too.

And it's still not our night… so why are you here?

"Why are you here?" You're the one to ask me first anyway.

I shrug, still staring at the fire, "Why are you?"

"There was one thing I wanted to look into…"

Of course, something new to learn…

"Go ahead. I won't bother you." I try to sound indifferent.

You walk to the shelves…

I try to keep my focus on the dancing fire but can't help to glance your direction every now and then.

You seem to find what you're looking for and sit down to read.

And I watch you…

The wild curls falling like a curtain to frame your face… and the eagerness in which you turn the pages and follow the lines with your finger.

Sometimes I find your enthusiasm amusing…But that's also something I must admit I admire about you: You set your mind to something and won't stop before it's mastered.

The way you learned wandless magic…

It should have taken years, but you're actually quite good at it already… and you've practiced only a few months.

I'm so lost in my thoughts it takes me a while to realize you're looking at me.

"What do you know about combined magic?" You ask curiously.

Combined magic… Joining two powers to make magic more powerful…

"That it's dangerous…" I tell you immediately.

That's why it's not regularly used…figures…

"How so? it doesn't say so in these books I've read about…"

"Because it's not dangerous, like lethal… it's just something you shouldn't start doing for fun… it's serious business… and it affects your magic."

"How?"

You've stood up and come to sit beside me.

"It is something like... fitting clothes.. made to fit you... but if someone bigger uses them, they'll stretch and never fit you the way they used to... "

You nod…even if it's a stupid example...

"That's what happens when you use magic, bigger than your own… You'll feel unfulfilled after…like running on half gear…your system will miss the power that once was there."

"Like forever? even if you did it only once?"

I shrug… "I guess if it doesn't go on that long… You'll get used to your own magic again. I was just advised not to ever try it. Besides the people doing it should be equally powerful... otherwise the more powerful will just overpower the weaker…"

"I want to try!"

I look at you and there's a fire in your eyes.

"Didn't you hear what I said? It's dangerous."

"You just said that one time won't hurt!"

"Yes, but I also said…"

You won't let me finish, but jump out of the sofa…

"And we are equally powerful Draco! Don't you want to know what we can do! If we don't take our chances now, who knows how long it takes to find anyone equally powerful to try it with!"

"You're crazy!" I tell you…

but I know I've already lost…

Because yes, the thought of combining my magic with yours, fascinates me…

.And yes, I already know we could do something extraordinary…

and yes…feeling your magic in me… maybe it helps me feel you…to remember you…after all this is over.

"Pretty Please?"

You're talking in a soft voice…lowering yourself to look me in the eyes…

"Fine! But we'll do it last thing after the exams! Because I'm pretty sure it's illegal here and I'm not going to get kicked out before…"

But you silence me with a kiss...

And when you look at me smiling I forget my argument.

"Thank you, Draco!"

And then you fly out of the room… and I'm nearly offended before I realize:

This isn't our night…

 

 

**HERMIONE**

 

As days get longer, I realize something between us is different.

The closer we get to the end of the term the more intense are our moments together.

One could think we'd study harder as the exams get closer, but no…

The less time we have… the less we study...

We used to study and practice and duel and then throw our clothes away in haste between heated kisses...

We still do it sometimes…

but there are also nights we don't study at all…

Nights with lingering kisses and slow sensual caresses, limbs tangled around each other…

Those nights scare me afterward… because they make me dream of things…

Dream of a future…where we do all those things…. over and over again…without a deadline.

And it's not just sex, we have when we spend our nights in something else than studying… but also conversations...

We talk…about Hogwarts… our childhoods… everyday things…

we joke and laugh together…

and the patters I thought you lacked, all make sense to me now.

You're still exciting, and different from anyone I've ever known… and sometimes a right prat… but you do make sense to me now…

and the more I find, the more I like you…

And the day I have to let you go…

scares me to death.

And I've fought Voldemort…

I should get myself together

.

.

.

In the final weeks, we should study things that matter…but in addition to other things we do, we study combining magic.

We sit on the bed in our underwear, legs crossed and tangled in sheets, palms only inches apart trying to feel each other.

Trying to get used to matching our strength.

This is just to get ready, though… we've agreed to do it after the exams…

Like a closing ceremony, I think… like one final showdown.

Something that, whether we fail or succeed, we'll never have to think again.

Just once… to try the limits

The thought makes me excited...

.

.

.

More than once during our nights I think about asking you to not to go through the wedding… for me…

Telling you that I don't want us to end…

But you never even hint that you'd stay if I asked…

So, I make sure I won't even hint I want you to.

I'm going to be stronger than that…

If you'd stay… that you won't…it will be for your own volition…

You, choosing your path…

Not me… asking you to follow mine…

I can do it!

Just as easily as you…

I'll end it….

walk away…

live a life I was supposed to live before we…started this…

A life that included…

…

Now that I think of it, I never made plans further than this year.

What I'd do after Hogwarts…

Guess, at first I was just glad I survived the war… then determined to finish school…

It was so easy to think the decisions are somewhere far in the future…

but now...

"Are you planning to study… after Hogwarts, I mean?" I ask you one evening.

Today we have, honestly, spent the whole night reading books.

"It's not something I can choose…" You mumble… not looking up from your reading.

I figured…but suppose I wanted to hear it from you…

To confirm you don't want it…

I'm not convinced….

"Not even business?"

You shake your head, "Father will teach me all that's necessary."

"And you'll run the business?"

You still won't look at me, just shrug, "I'll sit in the office and receive rapports… It's not like I do anything myself…"

"Sounds boring…" I mutter, and finally, you snap your head up.

"Why do you care?"

My turn to shrug, "Just curious…"

You look at me suspiciously, but let it drop.

I imagine you in a big dark office, drinking scotch and smoking a cigarette… It suits your father… but you?

There's so much more in you than a lonely business owner, who spends their days glaring at their employees, going to meaningless meetings, drinking expensive beverages and screwing their secretary…

On second thought… maybe that sounds a little like you after all… At least the you I used to think you are...

But you could do so much better…

"Did you even think of applying?" I ask hopefully.

But you shake your head again, "The traditions won't let me…"

Fuck the traditions! I want to shout…

Your parents should be ashamed, for not letting you dream!

How dare they pretend to care about you?

How dare they trap you like this and mask it as love?

Suddenly I'm so angry my hands are shaking…

But no… It's not my place…

So I stand up, trying to sound as calm as I can.

"I need to go."

You glance up surprised, "it's not even ten yet?"

I shrug.

"What's the matter?"

Fuck you for learning to read me so well…

"Nothing! I'm just tired."

I'm a horrible liar…

"You're a horrible liar, Granger." You smirk.

It makes me feel a little better…

I'm such a sissy!

Come on Hermione! Walk out like you're supposed to… Hold on the anger!

"I think it's just not fair!" I blurt out.

Great…why couldn't I just go… this conversation will not end nicely…

"What? That I won't be able to apply anywhere? Where would I even apply? Running our business is the only plan for the future I have…besides marrying Astoria."

Silence falls…

Her name hangs in the air between us…

I realize it's been a long time since we last brought her up…

It has been almost like a taboo… your wedding…

"How does she stand the waiting?" I whisper.

And it's out… the question looming in the edges of my consciousness ever since we started this…

Do you go to her when it's not our night?

Is there still a taste of her on your lips when you kiss me?

Do you spend your nights in her sheets too?

Do you think of me when you screw your fiancée?

I'm not jealous!

NO!

I just want to know… so that my imagination doesn't have to make up stupid scenarios, where I'm the only one to share a bed with you…

Because lets face the fact:

I'm the mistress…

the lover…

The other woman…

The harlot who sleeps with a taken man...

And I have no right to think I have privileges…

In here it's easy to forget the outside world for a while…

but now, as the echo of her name still bounces from the walls, I realize I've been a fool...

A silly girl so deep in her fantasies, I forgot there is a real world outside.

A world where there is a willing beautiful woman waiting for you in another bed…

How can someone so rational, be such a fool?

"Granger? Hermione? Did you hear what I said?"

Suddenly I realize you're talking to me…

I was so lost in images of you with her, that I lost even my hearing...

"What?" I look at you…

You've stood up, but stayed where you were sitting: far from the door…from me.

"I told you, the pureblood traditions forbid us to interact intimately before the wedding."

I almost laugh out loud.

And relief is all I feel.

RELIEF! For fuck's sake!

"You people actually follow those?"

"Well, no… most of us don't."

"God, your family is ancient!"

"It's not about my family…" You mutter and won't meet my eyes.

The realization hits me… and makes me feel much happier it should…

You're not screwing her! You're actually using some medieval pureblood tradition as an excuse to stay out of her bed!?

"Draco…" I whisper.

"I-do-not-like-her." You emphasize every word, "I've told you that."

"But you're a nineteen-year-old-boy!" I feel so light headed, I just have to make fun of you.

"Who's prejudiced now?"

There it is!

The amused glint in your eyes, that makes you so beautiful!

"It's not prejudiced! It's biology!"

"Said the Nazis."

I throw a pillow at you.

You duck behind the sofa.

"Don't you dare Mr. Blood purist!"

And we are in a full pillow fight…

Who would have imagined?

Us! Running around the room, jumping on furniture, waving pillows to hit one another.

In the end, we fall on the bed laughing so hard our eyes are watering.

"You're one barmy witch" You laugh…

I flung my pillow sideways and hit you right in the face.

 


	9. Fused

**DRACO**

 

The time is up…

We've reached our deadline…

Everyone is excited about the summer…

And nervous about the finals.

Even you…

after everything, you can do…

After everythig, you did before I taught you to do better…

I don't even understand why you have to take the tests after everything...

Still the weekend before…when everyone else is enjoying the summer weather in the Hogsmeade… You insist we need to study.

"I don't care if your friends wonder where you are! Come up with something! You've always managed before! I need to study, and to be able to learn absolutely everything there is to learn, I need you to study with me! This is so much more important than the fact your friends might laugh at you! This is the last chance! We study, Draco! So, see you at ten on Saturday! No excuses!"

It's not that I don't want to!

Your bossing kind of turns me on…

And as you said…though I think you meant something else… this is the last chance.

So, I pretend I'm sick… they'd never question it… they let me be… because they're not stupid… they know it's important to be well at the finals.

And I meet you at ten.

But if I had any hopes we might have time for other activities besides studying, I realize I was wrong as soon as I enter our room.

It seems every book you could ever need is on the floor… and you're in the middle of the mess looking like you're going to have a nervous breakdown!

"Granger?"

You won't raise your head as you answer me, "Good Draco! Will you please start there… I want to master these before the weekend's due."

You wave your hand towards a pile that looks like potions books.

"What are you doing?" I'm still not moving.

"Studying! What does it look like?! Now hurry up!"

"You're going to go through every book in the library over this weekend?" I think you've gone a bit bonkers.

"All we can manage! It goes faster if we do it together and share what we've read."

"This is mad. You've lost your mind." I feel like laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

"No it's not, these are the most important tests of our lives! Will you please start!"

"No," I tell you and finally you look at me.

You look like you haven't slept…or combed your hair… in a week or so…

There are dark shadows under your eyes and your hair is like a bird's nest after a storm.

"You need to calm down!"

"I can't calm down! My whole future depends on those grades!" You scream, and you even sound a little crazy.

"It doesn't, and you already know each spell and charm and theory they could think of asking."

"How can you say that!"

"I think we ought to write down what we are required to master and then see what we need to double check."

You stare at me…

Like I've said something you've never thought of before…

"That's…" You pause like to taste the words, "That sounds like a sensible thing to do…"

"Right, so we don't need half of these." I wave my wand and the books disappear back to their selves.

So, we do it my way.

And I have no idea how you managed before, with your sanity intact…

Because in every hour or so I need to snap you back from your panic and focus on what we were doing.

It's not until midnight you finally put the book down and rub your eyes.

"Maybe we should sleep some hours... I want to be able to read the same amount tomorrow…"

I agree and stand to leave, but you haven't moved.

"I thought I'll just sleep here… no one in Gryffindor will miss me anyway…"

We've never slept here the whole night… always sneaking back to our own dorms...

It feels like there's something meaningful in spending the whole night here...

I glance at the bed…

Well, what the hell… no one will know if I'm not behind the curtains of my bed in Slytherin.

So, I shrug, turn around, toss myself on the bed and close my eyes.

It's silent for a while… I don't hear you move.

"Draco?" You sound uncertain...

My actions make you unsure of what's happening…

I quite enjoy it…

So, I open one eye and look at you, like I was surprised.

"What are you doing?" You ask.

"I thought you said we'd sleep here… didn't know you could sleep standing up?"

You huff irritated, "I said I'm going to sleep here…"

I'm going to make you say it!

"So, you want me to go?" I rise an eyebrow…

"Well…no…"

There it is…

"I just thought you…"

"Stop thinking so much and come here"

I tap the bed.

Soon after you join me.

"Fine! But we are going to sleep! We have a lot to study tomorrow!"

Immediately you turn your back to me.

"Fine, if that's what you want."

I turn my back to your back…

But wake up in the morning with my hands around your waist.

I slept well…with no nightmares… and waking up… inhaling the scent of your hair…. it makes me feel good too.

Like I was happy.

And I'll take it…even if it's the illusion of our room again.

But the peacefulness of the morning is gone as soon as you wake up.

Because you do it by literally jumping up screaming: "What time is it?"

I groan… "Who cares?"

"Well for your information, I care Malfoy!"

"So, you're not a morning person? Should have told me before I decided to stay…" I lay back against the pillow.

It's pretty amusing how you find this so serious.

You slap my arm, but it's a soft blow.

"Come on Draco! This is the last day we'll ever be studying together so try to even play nice!"

Don't bring it up, please! I want to say… but instead, I say, "I can't play that well…"

You laugh… and then you kiss me softly, tenderly… like this was a regular thing…waking up together...

"Come on. Let's get it started!"

You jump up and grab yet another book.

.

.

.

**Hermione**

 

The tests are too easy…

Every single one of them…

There has to be a trick…. something I've missed…

There's no way I'd know the answer to every question this easily…

The charms, the transfigurations, the defense spells, come out so easily the wand is in my hand just for show….

I knew I was good…

but not this good…

I can't be this good! I'm still a student!

Once I glance in your direction… you're writing with your head down, concentrated look in your face.

I yearn to talk about the exams with you… but I can't.

Ginny doesn't want to listen to me ranting… she hates it when I say I felt it was too easy…

So does everyone else…

I can almost hear you laugh and say: Can you blame them?

I know I can't…

It sounds like I'm boasting around…

but their uncertainty doesn't calm my panic!

Because I'm sure I missed something and my tests will come back with a straight line of T:s…

I really, really need to talk to you!

But no…

And I miss you already.

.

.

.

After two weeks the tests are over.

All except one…

Our own last test… the combination…

We meet at twilight, in our room.

I don't know why I feel so nervous...

How should I greet you?

I mean, I want to just rush to you and feel you against me again.

I want to hold you and kiss you and tell you I missed you… in rhyme…

But that would be over the top, wouldn't it?

So, I enter and you're already there…. and we just stand on the opposite ends of the room and stare at each other.

Like all the familiarity and ease, we had, has died…

It pains me…

But it's for the best.

"So, you ready?" You ask and crook your eyebrow.

The familiar gesture makes me breathe in relief…

not all of us is gone… yet…

"I was ready the day we decided to do it!"

"Like hell you were."

"Shut it, Malfoy."

"Make me, Granger!"

I'm trying to keep up a serious face… but fail… And I smile at you.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Maybe… but I thought you had other things in mind…"

Well… maybe after we could…

But I'm not going to say it out loud! I need to concentrate!

"Yes, I do! I want to try it with the climate." I tell you firmly.

I know it's about the hardest thing we can try at the moment… changing the weather…

"Here? isn't it a bit easy?"

I'm not sure if you're serious or not… but I shake my head.

"No, outside… I thought about making it snow."

Your face lights up with realization…

"Snow from thin summer air? Couldn't think anything harder, could you?"

And you've changed your mind…

But I know what you mean… making it, for example, rain in a room is easier than changing the whole climate outside… Especially since it's summer… It would be easier to turn rain into snow… but I know the air outside is clear and warm…

What the hell… if we are only going to try this once, might as well do it properly…

"I'm not going to waste the only opportunity we have, on something average."

"Of course you wouldn't…"

The darkness of the night hides us when we sneak out the doors and to the black lake.

"It's going to attract attention… the snow…" You say looking up at the light windows of the castle.

"No one will know it's us since they can't trace the magic to our wands…"

I've thought about this! I'm prepared!

So we position ourselves facing each other.

Lifting our hands so that our palms are nearly touching.

My heart is beating like I'm running a marathon…

I need to calm down for this to work.

"Say when you're ready."

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and call for my magic.

I gather it and concentrate it on my palms.

When we practiced this before we tried to match our powers…. tonight that won't be necessary, we'll need all that we've got...

"Now."

We join our palms...

I lace my fingers in yours and our powers meet.

Only the moment I feel your magic joining mine, do I realize why this was said to be so dangerous.

It's not just your power I feel… it's you…

I don't know how I know that…

but I know… that the feeling running through my body, my veins and my mind… is purely you…

Like our souls twining together to make one being out of two…

I thought you could separate magic from everything else and join only that… but I was so wrong…

So wrong!

But it feels euphoric… like all I am is just here… this feeling of magic and power...

at this moment, in this place…

Like I'm not me…

but someone…

something so much more…

So much more than me…

or even me and you combined…

Everyone was wrong!

One and One equals much, much more than two…

I feel we could do anything! Any magic!

Soar to the sky... dry the lake...move the earth… make the night turn into a day...

ANYTHING!

"Focus, Hermione!" I hear your voice… but I'm not sure if you really said it out loud or just in my head.

"Right! Snow!"

I fix my mind back to what we were supposed to do with all this power.

And when I open my eyes, I see you looking up…

And it's snowing…

Big white featherlike flakes fall from the sky...

Our hands are still entwined, your magic is still there with mine... and I think I can feel your joy and pride.

"We did it!" I breathe out and you look at me.

There are snowflakes on your lashes…

Your hair is messed up and you look victorious...

And different from what I'm used to…

lighter…

purer…

freer…

Glowing…Like the fresh snow…

You laugh out loud… and even your laugh is the same kind of free and light as your face…

"Amazing! Let's make it more!"

It doesn't need but a little bit of concentration and the light snowing turns into a blizzard.

"Brilliant!" You're still laughing through the blowing wind and the hard falling snow.

And because I don't know where to put all that I'm feeling…

all the happiness

and proudness

and the power…

I kiss you…

We never separated our hands before our lips meet.

I never read what happens if we join more than our palms…

Maybe I should have…

Because as soon as my lips are on yours, you pull me close… And I think the magic inside of me roars.

Everything stops to exist…

I stop to exist…

All I feel is us…

magic

and body

and mind…

I'm not sure where I end, and you begin…

Anyone with half the brain left would stop this now…

but that's not me…

The thought doesn't even cross my mind.

I'm not sure how we manage to get inside the castle and up the seventh floor…

And I have no idea how we paced back and forth three times for our room to appear…

I guess I'll never know…

And what we did once there…

there are no words to describe it…

All the words the world holds for such activities: Have sex, fuck, screw, bang, sleep with… make love…

Can't even begin to describe what it is, when you're linked together the way we were…

The book should have had a huge warning sign: DO NOT HAVE SEX UNDER THE INFLUENCE! You'll never recover!

How can you be with anyone else, when you've once been one with someone?

How can anyone else make you feel anything when the hands that once held you shared your soul too?

How can you be close to someone else, when your heart once beat the same with another?

Literally…

.

.

After… when we finally let go of each other and break the spell…we lay in the bed facing each other…

I'm not sure what I should say…

What I could say…

So, we stay silent… just watching each other…

"So, we did it." You finally smirk lazily.

"I knew we could…" I whisper.

"Of course you did…" You say and close your eyes.

I move a stray hair out of your forehead and caress your face…

you smile slightly, but won't open your eyes…

And as I watch you fall asleep I realize:

I love you…

I love you so much it feels my heart can't take it…

I love all that you are… from the stupid sarcastic comments… to the brilliance of your mind…

all the layers there are in you…

even the pureblooded brat…

I love them all…

If you Love him, let him go...

But how can I… when I still feel you in my bloodstream?

How can I?

.

.

.

I wake up…

The air is cold…

And without opening my eyes I know you're gone.

The pillow, that still smells like you is cold…

Even the room, that once was so warm and inviting, feels foreign and hollow.

I sit up… and the aftermath of combined magic hits me immediately.

I feel weak… like something in me is taken away…

Like running on half gear… like you said…

You're gone…

With no goodbyes…

With no: see you, take care…

You've walked out and left all that we had behind…

Just like it was supposed to go... but how I hoped it wouldn't...

Then I see it:

A note.

On top of the sofa table…

And hope stirs in me…

Last time your note led to all of this…

I rush up and grab the paper.

It's only two words…

I stare at them... it's like all the air is sucked out of the room…

Like I couldn't breathe.

So, I stumble back to the bed and sit on the edge.

The tears come without invitation…

First a few drops... then streams...

I break down…

Fall into pieces…

Shatter like fragile glass into millions of tiny splinters, that can never be glued back to their original form.

Why, oh why, did I do this to myself?

Why was I so fucking idiot, I thought I could take this?

Why was I so naïve I thought I could just walk away?

Why am I so bloody stubborn I never asked you to stay?

Because it would have been better…take your refusal… than this…

At least you would have known I wanted you to stay…

At least you would have known I loved you…

That I loved you... all that you are... with all that I am!

That really and truly, I did not want to let you go!

I bury my face into my hands and sob…

And your note falls to the ground…

Your last words staring at me…

Making me wish I could have been more…

Your last words…

written with a hand that did not shudder:

Thank you!

 


	10. Emptiness

**HERMIONE**

I'm stronger than this!

Bigger than this pain…

Better than my tears…

So, I lift my chin, leave the room behind and walk up, to the Gryffindor tower to get ready for the year ending celebrations.

It's like walking in haze…

The sounds are muted,

The colors are faded…

And my feet feel too heavy…

Like my heart…

How can it be, that just yesterday I felt so strong and able and knowing… when today it feels like I have to put up a fight to manage even a simple spell out of my wand?

It'll get better… I keep repeating in my head…

But it doesn't seem to make me any better now.

"What's the matter?" Ginny asks immediately when she sees me.

I just shake my head, "I need to get ready for the feast…"

I try to walk away, but she calls after me: "This was your deadline wasn't it."

I stop on my tracks and close my eyes.

My back is to her so she won't see my face.

"Like it was supposed to be," I say trying to keep my voice from trembling.

"It doesn't mean you have to be ok with it." She says, and my tears nearly spill over.

"It was nothing serious… it was never supposed to be…"

"You sure?"

"I'm fine Ginny, don't worry about me," I say and manage to sound pretty convincing, I think.

But there's only so much I can take… because soon I find myself crying in the bathroom.

Don't worry about me…

I'm fine…

.

.

.

I try not to look at you over the great hall….

I keep my eyes on my friends… or somewhere else… but not in Slytherin table.

Once I can't resist the urge and glance tough…

Mistake!

Astoria sits next to you… very close… and it seems like you're laughing at something she'd said…

I-Do -Not-Like-Her…. you said once… not so long ago…

That's how fast it changes…

It doesn't matter if you like her or not… anymore…

you made your choice…

The mask I hold on the whole celebration is quite impressive…

But it feels like I'm not really here…

Like I'm watching a time-lapse roll through…

Like I was sitting still and the whole world around me moved in triple speed…

The cheering and laughing…

The speeches and applause…

The excitement of a year ending… or the whole school ending…

the future ahead of them…us…

Think about the future! I order myself! All the possibilities it holds for me!

All the possibilities for me….

But not for you…

.

.

.

Who was the idiot who thought trying combined magic was a good idea?

Who was it who thought if we tried it once… it wouldn't be so bad?

Who didn't believe the warnings about feeling weak afterward?

Who stretched the boundaries much further than they were supposed to be stretched?

Oh… it was me…

The more days go by… the more foolish I feel…

Because after two weeks… I still feel so weak.

So hollow…

So empty…

I'm not one of those pathetic girls who cry weeks after a man!

I'm not the girl who needs someone!

I'm not going to fall into crying after you for days and days!

NO!

I'm not going to be that girl!

So, I occupy my time with everything I can think of… like friends… and reading…

And sitting at home watching Netflix…

Fine! I'll admit, I'm not fine!

But that's just because the results and the invitations to schools haven't arrived yet…

When I know what I'll do in the future, I'll be fine again.

.

.

.

A straight line of O:s….

I stare at them…

I couldn't have done better… That's the highest I can get…

We taught each other so we can compete… but I'm sure you got O:s, too…

So, no one won…

We didn't study to beat each other… not really…

We studied because it was beneficial for both of us… and because it felt good to have someone who understood...

The invitations come too.

To every school, I applied to…

My future is wide open…

whatever I want to study, I can…

Healing, charms, the law, business, even potions…

I sit on the sofa and stare at the pile of letters… And feel exhausted…

how can I decide?

I got these invitations based on the abilities I had with you…

what if I can't do good enough on my own?

Somewhere deep inside I know it's a stupid thing to think…

It was just a few months… everything I learned and did before was completely my own…

And the tests too… I didn't have your magic then…

It all feels a bit blurry… how did it feel before?

How was it like, when my magic was enough?

That is what they say about drugs too: One time won't hurt… and then you get a trip of a lifetime… and you become addicted to it… and you're a junkie…

just like that…

God, I'm glad I don't have the opportunity get another dose of this drug of my own...

No… I'm not…

I sit with my head on my knees, trying to think what is it that I want to do…

What is it, I want to become?

What is it, I want to study alone?

.

.

.

You haunt my dreams almost every night…

I dream of our room… the nights in the firelight… with our noses in the books…

and the dreamy light from the only window… like it was morning when it actually was a late night…

In my dreams, I suddenly remember it all… things that I never paid attention to, before.

The goodhearted bickering… the glances exchanged even when we both had a book of our own to read…

The words of encouragement when we tried something new…

The smiles we shared… and the soft kisses when we parted…

The way you whispered, "You're beautiful…" in the heat of the moment.

The way you caressed my hand when you walked past me in the corridor and no one saw…

So many small things… that belonged to those moments…

but could have meant so much more…

But the good dreams are rare…

Usually, they turn into nightmares:

we're found out… you are dragged away from me and I'm left to be tortured by either your parents or Bellatrix…

You, telling me this was just a game… That I'm just a stupid mudblood whore…that all I know is just stolen from you…

Our room burning with you still inside…and I can't get in, but stand to watch you scream in agony as you burn…

Then there is this one dream that especially haunts me over and over again:

It's a beautiful warm summer day… I can feel the sun on my skin and the grass under my feet…

We are in the meadows somewhere…

I stand at the end of an aisle… I think it's a wedding…

There are guests, but they are not looking at me…I can't see their faces…

But I see you. ..

You're there… in a black suit, standing beside the altar looking at me.

You have a slightly crooked playful smile on your face… and your eyes look like that fateful New Years Eve in the flashing of the fireworks: Like I was the only thing in the world you saw…

Then the music starts to play…

and it starts to snow…

not some fluffy slow snowfall, but a storm…

The wind blows my hair to my face and the coldness bites my skin…

Even my view gets hazy because of all the snow…

I can't see you clearly anymore…

And then she is there… Ahead of me… walking down the aisle in a white wedding dress…

And I realize it's her, that you see…

That you're not looking at me like I was the only woman in the world… but her…

That look of love… it's not for me… but for her…

And I start to scream! Yell at you through the howling wind and the heavy snow.

Trying to fight my way forward… but don't seem to get anywhere…

I scream your name over and over again…

tears start to fall, and my voice goes harsh…

PLEASE DRACO!

PLEASE DON'T MARRY HER!

PLEASE DON'T GO THROUGH WITH IT!

PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!

PLEASE, COME BACK TO ME!

Every time, I wake up screaming and with real tears in my eyes.

I hate that dream…

But I don't seem to get rid of it… no matter what I try.

The dream always returns…

I'm forced to watch it… Like someone wanted to punish me...

Here's what you chose…

now watch it play through…

You chose this…

now stand it!

.

.

.

Together with their families Astoria Greengrass and Draco Malfoy…

I stare at the invitation in my hand…

It's an elegant piece of paper… the silver text is sophisticated and at the bottom, there are your initials… linked together… like a logo…

AG&DM

I put my thumb over her letters…

Why am I invited?

To rub it in my face?

Suddenly I'm startled by a knock on the door.

It's Harry…

He has the invitation in his hand too.

I let him in…

"You got it too?"

I just nod.

"I had to come and ask… I was wondering… "

"…Why they invited us?"

"Ron didn't get an invitation…"

"He never liked Ron…" I mutter…

"He never liked me either…" Harry reminds me with a huff…

I shrug… Because I know it's not true…

You were jealous of Harry, yes… and bitter for him to deny your handshake the first year…

But you never really hated Harry… Like you hated Ron…

I think… under different circumstances… you and Harry would have been friends…

"I think it has something to do with trying to clear the family name…" I say thoughtfully.

"Wanting the world to know… they're on your side now."

"A bit late for that…"

"I doubt this was his idea…"

I know it isn't…

"How come?"

I shrug again…

At least I hope it isn't…

"You ended things with him?" Harry looks at me seriously.

"Yes… when the school ended. That was what we agreed on… I told Ginny!"

"And she told me… I just wanted to make sure you're ok with it."

"Yes, Harry!" I snap… a little too fast…

His eyes are serious…

"Hermione, I know you…"

"Stop it, Harry! It's fine, okay? That was how it was supposed to go! it doesn't matter what I..."

I pause… should I just tell him? Maybe it would feel better… to have someone to comfort…

But no!

I haven't told anyone... not about what we really did in our nights... not about our experiments... nothing...

I made this bed! now I have to lie in it!

Alone!

"Anyway, it was just a bit of fun… it wouldn't have worked longer anyway… we're too different…"

No, we're not…

"That's what I thought." Harry smiles.

Oh, how easy it is to fool him…

"So, you're going? I and Ginny thought it would be fun to see the faces of other guests if we went…"

He points at the invitation again.

I look at it… and shake my head, "No… You go… I'm not coming…"

After, when Harry has left, I sit on the sofa, still staring at the paper in my hand.

_If I speak in the languages of men or of angels,_   
_but do not have love,_   
_I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal._   
_If I have the gift of prophecy_   
_and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,_   
_and if I have a faith that can move mountains,_   
_but do not have love,_   
_I am nothing._   
_If I give all I possess to the poor_   
_and give over my body to hardship_   
_that I may boast,_   
_but do not have love,_   
_I gain nothing. (*)_

In my fingers, the paper starts to smoke and then lights to fire…

And I hold it as it burns…

Stare at the flame that doesn't burn my fingers… because I created it…

first time since the end of school I'm not using my wand…

I don't need to… All the power is in my hands already…

And it's almost like you're here with me…

I watch as the letters of your name turn to ashes…

hoping it would make me feel better…

hoping it would make me whole again…

 

* * *

*The verse: 1 Corinthians 13.


	11. Caged

**DRACO**

 

I stare at myself in the mirror…

But the face is foreign to me…

My hair is messed, and my eyes look tired…

Like I have been awake for days straight…

Even if I haven't…

Most wizarding people would easily say the face in the mirror belongs to a Malfoy…

"Well of course!" They'd say, "He has the trademark Malfoy hair and eyes… even his skin is pale… All the Malfoys have always been fair… and look at that nose! Yup, definitely a Malfoy."

All my life… ever since I can remember, I was told I'm a Malfoy…

That it means something… to be a Malfoy…

It's something to be proud of.

And because I'm a Malfoy, I can… and should… have everything…

That I'm better,

stronger…

wiser…

higher…

That I'm the privileged one…

I took it as the truth… thought myself to be all they told me…

what reason did I have to doubt their words?

When someone didn't understand what it meant, that I am a Malfoy, I was mean to them…

Kept them as fools… because of course, they should have known…

Then came the war... and the things I had been taught as the truth, started to crack…

But still… the roots of my upbringing were so tight, I think I still thought I was the privileged one…

Because I am a Malfoy…

It meant I should do everything in my power to keep the family name alive… and in good books…

In good books… among the pureblood society…

All I did, had to be beneficial for the family… so the Malfoys after me could be the privileged ones, too…

This morning I realized it is bullshit!

This morning, when I looked at your solemn face as you slept… turned my back on you…

and walked away…

I realized I'm not the favored one…

That the choices that I made, to be worth my name, gave me no honor… no satisfaction… no power… no happiness…

This morning… as I walked further and further away from you… to fulfill my duty to my family…

I realized: my name is not a gift…

But a prison…

A golden cage passed on for generations… masked to look like a throne…

Now, I can imagine my parents in that same cage too…

The golden chains around my mother's ankles as she walks the halls of the manor… sits in her rose garden… hosts her parties…

Or the chain around my father's neck when he swore loyalty to the dark lord…A chain, held by the ghosts of my ancestors who screamed: The line must stay pure!

The ideas, about the family honor, the purity, the birthright…rooted generations deep… tend to keep themselves alive… tend to drown the rebellion… to stifle any flame of doubt…

I know, because that's what's happening to me now…

The ideas… traditions… duties… are the ones that drag me away from you now…

Drag me to the future I do not want, nor have any intention to enjoy…

But if I'm not a Malfoy… if I rebelled… told them to piss off with their traditions… what would I do?

The only future I know is the one designed for me because I'm a Malfoy…

Walking away would mean leaving everything… all I've ever known… behind… and starting over…

alone…

How can I be sure it would be better?

How can I know it would be worth it?

And the wheel spins on and on…

Next, it's me who'll tell my son: You're a Malfoy, live like a Malfoy!

.

.

.

There's no point fighting to stay away from Astoria anymore…

What you and I had, is now over… You're not coming back to me anymore…

So, I let her hold my arm and sit close to me in the Slytherin table…

I pretend to laugh at her jokes and to listen to her babbling…

I'm still not letting her in my bed before I have to… but everything else I endure…

Because this is what it'll be from now on… enduring…

All but one thing…

The effects of our experiments are still there… I still feel you…

And when she kisses me… It's like the marks of your magic, still in me, resisted her…

She jumps away from me the instant our lips touch…

"What did you do?" She snaps rising her fingers to her lips.

"What?" I ask as if I'm surprised…

But I felt it… the bang of your magic reacting to her touch and sending like an electric shock to her lips…

And I felt what you must feel for her… despise and jealousy…

Not strongly, like when we were linked, but traces… like echoes…

Somehow it comforts me, that I get to think you'd act like that if she kissed me… I get to imagine you slapping her in the face…

It makes me feel that what we were was not indifferent to you either…

And it feels good…

to feel you…

I don't want to lose that,

even if it makes me feel weaker than I used to feel…

but at least I get to keep something of you… something they can't take away from me…

.

.

.

So, I'm back to the manor…

Back to black and white…

Back to the floor…

I guess that's what my life will be from now on…

What will Astoria say about me sleeping on the floor?

Not that I really care…

I close my eyes and imagine you…

"Draco why are you on the floor?"

You're sitting on the bed, looking at me confused.

"It's the noises… I keep hearing them… it's better to feel the floor… helps me keep focus." I murmur, even though I know you're not really here…

I hear you get up the bed… and then I feel you next to me…

"Fine…"

In my mind, you put your hands around me…

I can feel your warmth…

and I can almost smell you…

With the image of you, lying on the floor with me… I fall into an uneasy sleep…

I miss you…

But that's what it is…

I'll miss you… for the rest of my life…

And if imagining you, here with me, makes me crazy…

I'll gladly be crazy…

.

.

.

All the talk about the wedding makes me sick!

No, I don't want to know what color we use…

No, I don't want to pick a ring…

No, I don't want to look at the invitations…

No, I don't want to see my name linked to hers…

No, I don't care if half the world is invited…

I don't want to know… don't want to look… don't want to think…

So, don't try to shove it down my throat!

She still gives me a ready invitation.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Mother asks next to her…

I want to be sick!

But I nod.

"Oh, come on Draco! Show me some excitement!" Astoria smiles…

Why can't she smile like she meant it?

Her smile… it's always so collected… like she never smiles for real… but because she has to….

"It's great, Astoria. I trust your judgment."

She kisses me on the cheek, "It will be an event of the decade…"

"I'm sure it will…" I mutter.

They leave, and I'm left alone with the sickening white paper in my hand.

I look at it again…

What would you say about it?

Would you come if you were invited?

Would you come with Weasley?

The image of you and him, makes me want to hit something…

And the cage around me feels tighter…

.

.

.

The evening before the wedding is quiet.

Only father is home… the women are somewhere making the last minute preparations.

Tomorrow I will be a husband… and the head of the Malfoy family…

Tomorrow my freewill will be stripped from me.

Tomorrow my time is up…

I escaped it long enough to have a taste… a taste of a different life…

even a taste of freedom…

Tomorrow I'm done running…

Tomorrow I don't have to second guess anymore…

Mother has written my vows for me…

pathetic…

But she wanted vows and I didn't… so she wrote mine…

"Malfoy men read vows Draco. I understand the wedding stresses you…" She'd said…

I won't tell her it's not that…

I just don't care.

So, I wonder to her study to fetch them.

They are in the middle of her table, but when I lean to grab them, something catches my eye…

It almost feels like something in me urges me to look sideways…

I see a pile of letters…

And the one on top has my name on it…

I forget the vows and reach for the envelopes…

There are almost ten of them… I've never seen them before… but each has my name…

I turn the first one in my hand and look at the broken seal…

I know where it is from without opening it…

I go through the others too…

They are all from magical schools… for higher education…

I open the first and read it through with disbelief...

This can't be true… these places… you need to apply to get in…

I never applied…but here, in my hand, is an invitation…

I've gotten into nearly any education I can think of… without applying?

And why are these here? Why haven't I seen them?

Has she hidden these from me?

Was I never meant to find these?

Suddenly there's a fire in my chest… anger, that's not purely mine…

I feel you again… the trace of your magic flickers in me…

Why was I never meant to know I was accepted?

I thought they have no doubt about my intentions to marry Astoria?

But if they didn't fear I'd suddenly change my mind, why would they hide these?

They can't know I haven't applied… so what if I had? If I'd waited for the invitations? Did they think if they hid them, I'd just let it drop?

Then I see one seal that catches my eye…

I grab it and read the letter…

Suddenly a completely different future flashes in my mind… a future I never even dared to dream of, but that is here now, at my reach…

And I know what I have to do…

Suddenly, like lightning from the sky, I know what I want to do…

Where I want my path to lead me…

It's like seeing light at the end of the tunnel...

Like wandering in a maze and suddenly knowing this way will lead you out.

My heart is hammering in my chest when I rush out of the study with the letter still in my hand.

Up to my room…

I write two notes… the other I give to Dipsy, my house elf, to take to Gringotts, and the other I leave there… on top of my desk… to wait for someone to find it…

Then, slowly I walk downstairs… through the dining hall…

at the door of the drawing room, I stop…

This will be the last time the ghosts will ever haunt me again…

This will be the last time I'll look at the room and regret just standing and watching all the horrors happen….

This will be the last time the echoes of your screams fill my head…

This is the last time I'll be sorry for all the bad decisions I made…

After this, I'll stand in front of my past and let it be… past…

Then I walk out… to the blooming rose garden, I was supposed to get married in tomorrow…

The garden I used to play in… when I was young, and the world was kinder…

I walk along the road and breath in the smell of roses… the smell of royalty… the smell of privilege…That is, and has always been, a pretty façade…

To the large gate…

I push it open…

I could have apparated out, but I want to do this… to leave, like I was doing something epic.

Because there is something oddly satisfying in closing the gate of my childhood home…leaving behind my birthright…

And watch it all disappear in front of me…

I watch, as the gate, the garden and the dark manor fade to nothingness in front of my eyes until I see nothing but the forest…

The magic hides the estate from the eyes of passersby…

It's a liberating thought… to think I'm just a passerby…

The secret keeper… my father… hasn't told me the location…

until now… he didn't have to… I was family, I knew where my ancestral home was.

But after tonight… after willingly signing away all my rights to the Malfoy ownings' … I'm out of secrets like that…

I flew out of my golden cage… I broke the chains…

Now, I may be alone…

and homeless…

and broke…

But finally,

FINALLY

I'm free!

 


	12. Together

**HERMIONE**

it's the morning of your wedding day.

An early morning…

I lay awake in my bed…

Staring at the ceiling…trying to tell myself to get a grip!

Maybe I should just go to a bar…

hit on some random guy…

Maybe it would help… to get the memory of you out of me…

I tried to research… tried to find a way to get your magic out of my system…

But there was no other trick than time.

So, I tried to improve my own magic, to practice again… on my own.

And it helps temporarily… but in silent moments like this…

I realize the memory of you is still there…

And I'm not sure if I honestly want to get rid of it completely… if I want to forget you…

There's a sharp knock on the door…

It's like six o'clock in the morning… why would someone knock on my door at this hour?

Another impatient knock…

besides… I have a doorbell… Why would someone knock?

There's only one reason I can think of… the one who knocks doesn't know how to use a doorbell…

So, I grab my morning robe and make myself to the door.

"Who's there?" I yell, without opening.

Silence…

Maybe they left already…

"Granger"

The world spins around, my heart leaps to my throat and my knees go weak…

Why are you behind my door? At this hour? Today of all days?

"Can you let me in?" You seem to almost whisper against my door…

All I need to do is to open the door and you'd be there…

I've missed you so much…

So much…

I've fought to forget you… to accept the fact that you're gone…

I've fought so hard…

And now you're there…. only my door between us…

I lean to the hardwood and close my eyes, trying to keep my breathing calm.

"Please, Hermione." You whisper from the other side… and I feel the tears start to gather in my eyes.

What are my options?

To tell you to go away? And never know why you came…

To let you in? And fall back all the steps I've gone forward…

To be truthful neither of them sounds too appealing….

But I take a deep breath, lift my chin up and push the door handle.

You're there… looking so familiar… yet so strange…

You, the real you… is nothing like the you I'm used to watch in my dreams…

The you in my dreams looks harder, colder… This you in front of me looks worn, tired and a little unsure…

I don't remember you looking unsure…

My body reacts to you immediately… it's like there's a magnet pulling me to you.

I really need to put an effort to not to rush to you and pull you to me…

My magic recognizes you too… I feel it in my chest… like a call for a missing piece…

"Why are you here?" I manage out, in a calm collected voice…

"Can we talk?" You look somehow desperate…

No, we shouldn't…

But I step aside and let you in, closing the door after you.

You stop to stand in the middle of my living room… and an image of you when you last were here flashes my mind…

When you last were here… with a champagne bottle in hand… to do only one thing…

When you last were here… when life was so much simpler…

"How are you?" You ask… without looking at me.

How am I? How do you think I am? We went through something extraordinary and you left me! We linked ourselves together and then you just left! You walked out and left me a crappy note! You walked out like it was nothing and left me to deal with the aftermath! And then you send me an invitation to your wedding! and you dare to just walk in here in a day like this and ask me, how am I?

That's what I'd like to say… But instead, I just ask again, "Why are you here?"

You pull something out of your pocket and wave it at me…

It's a piece of paper… and the moment I realize what kind of a paper, my heart misses a beat…

"Do you know what this is?" Your voice is tight… are you angry?

"Draco, what…"

"Do you?"

"I… of course…" Sure I know… I've gotten a similar one myself…

"It's an invitation… to the healing academy," you tell me anyway.

"You said you didn't apply." I try

"I didn't! You know that!" Your voice is louder and your breathing heavier, "I didn't, because I had a future! I didn't need any more education! And yet I got an invitation everywhere!

I'm not quite sure where this is leading…

"Was this you?" You shake the paper in front of my eyes.

I just stare at you…

"Did you do this?"

Suddenly you're towering over me… too close…

"Do you know what they did?"

I'm not really sure who 'they' are… but I'm guessing you mean your family… so I shake my head.

"They kept these from me! I just found out yesterday. They were in my mother's study… I've never seen these before yesterday evening! They hid them on purpose!"

no…they didn't…

"They never wanted me to have a choice…"

I close my eyes briefly…

and your hand is on my cheek…

Please don't touch me… it hurts my heart… I want to tell you…

But I keep my eyes closed, trying to gather my thoughts…

"So, did you?" You ask silently like a plea…

What should I say?

How can I explain?

Slowly… so slowly… I finally nod…

And you pull your hand away…

I open my eyes… the look on yours is unreadable.

"Why?"

"I wanted you to have a choice!" My voice sounds pleading… I don't like it… "There's so much in you Draco! I couldn't watch you just throw it away!"

"It was not your decision to make!"

"No, I know it wasn't… but I thought… I thought what harm is there?" I need you to understand, "I thought, even if you were accepted… which I was sure you'd be… you don't have to take any of the places… you can do whatever you want, but you'd have a choice… an opportunity."

"I DIDN'T WANT AN OPPORTUNITY!" You're roaring now… and I take a step back.

But I was never scared of your anger… and I never will be!

"It's just a piece of paper Draco!" It feels good, to fight you… like I was more myself again… like I had the fire again… "It doesn't mean anything if you don't want it to! Just throw it away if you don't want to go! Burn it, burn them all, for all I care!"

You're staring at me with a storm in your eyes…

"You're so brilliant Draco! You know so much! You could do anything in the world! I couldn't watch you throw it all away, just like that… I couldn't live with the idea, that if you someday changed your mind… If you'd think differently… the opportunity would be gone!" I take a deep breath, "I don't want your life to suck Draco! I couldn't imagine you… sitting in a lonely office… letting all your talent and potential go to waste! I wanted you to see you had other options!"

"I'm not yours to save, Granger…" You whisper like you whispered once before… when all this was new….

"I'm not sorry I sent your applications!" I rise my chin higher…

That's the moment you kiss me…

The moment your lips land on mine roughly…

and drown me…

and I let you.

Because my body yearns your touch… I yearn your touch… and my magic yearns yours…

I'd forgotten how we fit together… how our lips are molded to move together… how your hands belong in my hair, on my hips… like the curves of my body were made for your touch…

Suddenly, I snap out of the trance and push you away.

"NO!"

I've had enough of misery! I'm not going to let you do this to me again!

No matter how I've missed it...

I keep you in arms distance and try to calm my breath so that I can speak.

"No, you're not doing this! You're not rushing back here after all these weeks! You can't just walk in here and kiss me like nothing's different! You're getting married today for god's sake!"

"Hermione…" You try to reach for me, but I won't let you.

"NO! Do you have any idea what I've gone through these weeks!?"

Your hand drops to your side.

"YOU LEFT ME!" I'm yelling…

I think I'm not completely in control of my actions at the moment…

"You walked out and left me a shitty note!? THANK YOU!? Well, fuck you Draco! After everything, we went through… not just physically, but emotionally too! I know you felt it! Our minds were linked! I know it wasn't unemotional for you either! You could have even given me a proper goodbye! YOU OWED ME A PROPER GOODBYE!" I push your chest… "But you just left! Like you could just leave! And then you sent me an invitation to your fucking wedding! What on earth would give you the idea that I wanted to see you marry that… that woman!? Did you want to torture me?! To teach me a lesson? WHAT?"

"I didn't…" You try to say…

and deep down I know you were not the one to send that invitation… but I still need you to hear it…

"I LOVED YOU DRACO! I Loved you so much I didn't even think it was possible to love someone! We were a team! We clicked! We made sense! And you just walked away from it like it was nothing!? Do you have any idea what you put me through? it's like I wasn't even alive anymore! Like I was dead!"

"WELL, I WAS DEAD TOO!" You cut me off, "DO YOU THINK IT WAS EASY?! after the combined magic… all that you felt I felt too! I suffered all the same!"

"Not enough to stay…"

"I'M A FUCKING COWARD! Don't you know that already!?"

"THEN GO! If you're so scared of living, why are you even here!? Go and marry her like you planned to! Live the life you chose and leave me the fuck alone!"

I'm not going to cry!

"I CAN'T!"

"I swear Draco if you won't stop saying 'I can't' I'm going to hit your stupid face!"

"I can't go back! I signed myself out… my rights to the Malfoy fortunes…"

Wait, what?

It's like I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth…

"I'm not marrying her, now that I…" You glance at the invitation still in your hand… "Seeing this made me realize I was an idiot… and a fool…. leaving you… I thought it would get better. That I'd forget you and I'll be able to fulfill my duty…again… but not so long after I realized doing my duty is never going to make me happy. That things I did because I had to, only ever made me miserable! When I saw this… I realized I could have a future without my heritage… that I can do something… to be worthy…"

You pause, "Before this invitation… I had nothing to offer you… if I left my family, I would be nothing… just a broke kid who has no future, no job, no inheritance and a bad reputation… I couldn't ask you to be with me if I was a ruin… you deserve better! but now I can study, I can work, I can be something that matters…"

"I never needed you to be anything other than yourself for me! I never asked…!" I protest,

but you cut me off: "You never said you wanted anything more!"

"Well, neither did you!"

"If you would have asked me to stay…"

"If you would have given any implication you wanted to stay…"

We stare at each other…

Maybe we needed this… the separation and the heartbreak… to be able to confess it was one another we wanted all along...

"You really left your family? disowned yourself? what about the wedding?"

"I never cared for the wedding… they never cared for what I thought… so why should I?"

"So, what happens now?" I look into your eyes.

God, I've missed you…

"Well, I'm going to the healing academy."

I rose an eyebrow at you, "Healing, huh?"

I kind of didn't expect you to be into healing as a first choice…

You shrug, "Thought about doing some good for a change… what about you?"

"I'm thinking charms… spell development and research… maybe writing something…"

"Sounds like you." You smile slightly.

But the unanswered question still lingers between us…

"What about us?" I ask silently.

I didn't want to be the one to ask… but I just have to!

It can't go on like this… neither of us talking…

haven't we already been through it? A situation where either should have opened their mouth before we both were miserable…

"Well… that's why I came here…" You say with a half smile, "If I'm going to get through the healing studies… I need my study partner…"

"I need you…" You breathe out so silently, I barely hear…

But the words make my heart swell and do little leaps of joy…

I lean closer to breathe you in, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine?"

"Wasn't that the deal?" your lips are nearly on mine…

"I'm done making deals with you."

"Fine, let's say an agreement." You whisper against my lips…

"That'll do…"

Then we kiss and all else disappears.

You're here

And no one is going to pull you away…

You chose to be here…

Finally, you stood up for yourself and chose with your heart.

I knew it was always somewhere there inside of you… just needed something to ignite it.

I think this was what I wanted when I sent the applications for you…

What I wanted, but never dared to hope for…

Now you're here… dragging me to the bedroom, with certain movements…

And I've missed you so much!

I've missed us so much!

I don't even notice the tears before you pull a little away and look at me like you're concerned, "What's the matter?"

I shake my head…

"You're crying…"

"I thought you were gone for good…" I sniffle… "I missed you…"

Oh, how romantic… I think when more tears fall…

Get a grip woman! Crying is not attractive!

You rest your forehead on mine, "You know what I did?"

I look at you…

"I imagined you with me… every night…. like a crazy person, seeing visions…"

I snort…

"I need you to promise me one thing!" I have to say this, "I need you to promise you're not leaving again! That if we try this, you won't just suddenly change your mind and disappear!"

I'm not going to take that anymore!

I refuse to wake up without you for one more time!

Either you promise me this… or you're out of the door.

"I promise…" You kiss my neck…

"I'm serious! You walk out of me without a word one time, and you're dead!"

Your hands are undoing the knot of my robe…

"Sure, wouldn't dare to put that on test…"

"And…" I try, but you silence me with a kiss and my robe falls to the floor…

"Hey," I protest… "We are not finished!"

You laugh breathlessly… "No, we most definitely are not!"

 


	13. Epilogue: Forever

It's a beautiful warm summer day.

The air is clear and the soft wind blows through the meadow…

I can feel the sun on my skin and the soft grass under my bare feet.

Deep breaths Hermione…

Deep breaths…

"You ready?" Ginny smiles at me widely…

I nod…

I was ready the day we decided to do this…

Like hell you were… I can almost hear you tell me.

Shut it Malfoy…

Make me, Granger…

And I smile at the memory… that fits this moment so perfectly… That is so us…

Standing at the beginning of the aisle, I can see them all… everyone I love is there…

even my parents…

and at the last moment, Narcissa Malfoy slips to the back row…

Then I see you… Standing next to the altar in a black suit…

My heart swells…

Our eyes meet, and you smile at me… with that amused half smile, you give only to me…

The way you look at me makes me feel like I'm the only thing in the world you see.

The music starts to play…

And it starts to snow…

Light featherlike flakes fall slowly from the clear blue sky…

And the air is full of magic…

That's what we can do together after all these years of practice…

That's what we are together…

That's what happens when what you can learn from the books isn't just enough…

Now we know how to use our powers, together, across the room… across the field…

Our combined magic does not make us weak alone… because we're never alone… even if you're not physically with me, I now know how to harness the parts that stay in me when we are not linked…

We've learned to control it completely…

Just one look across the meadow and we can fuse our powers together… and when we're done we can break the link and never feel unfulfilled...

That's what you get when you put two great minds together: Magic like no other.

Today, unlike my nightmares, the snow is completely under our control…

Today it's me who walks down the aisle…

Today it's me you look with your eyes full of admiration and love…

Today it's me, you promise to love in sickness and in health…

Today it's me you hold when the night turns into a morning…

Today I finally get to call you my husband…

Today I don't have to wonder what you think…

Today I know you through and through…like you know me…

Today is not the happy ending…

Today is the beginning…


End file.
